terpsichorepapers

Happy

2011-05-15T23:14:00.000-05:00

Hoping that after September, we'll be like this all the time.

A little dirt

2011-01-12T23:35:00.002-05:00

don't hurt. The boy loves a good sandbox! (Taken over the summer at the local rec park in my childhood neighborhood.)

Nearly here

2010-12-21T23:19:00.004-05:00

Yay! I get to pick up my little boy this weekend. He will be a much-loved Christmas gift. This is him being a goofy monkey in one of the few pictures Emerson was able to get with us looking at the same spot at the same time and with my eyes open, LOL. We're gonna try again with a photo studio when Jen's here. He was a bit distracted, and our friend hadn't had any experience taking shots of kids. Still, there were some fun ones, this included. Jensen is such a stinker sometimes!!

Your love

2010-12-02T20:43:00.000-05:00

is better than ice cream. Better than anything else that I've tried.

Thrilled

2010-11-23T22:58:00.001-05:00

With my boy. Isn't he gorgeous?

Lonely

2010-11-11T23:41:00.002-05:00

wanting more of this...

Sunshine

2010-08-31T10:56:00.003-05:00

Just missing my little sunshine and blue skies. Jensen really is my whole life, and it feels pretty lonely without him.

Ultimately, I have to keep reminding myself that him being with me, in a place where I can support him and give him a network of friends and family is the best thing, and that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. The short-term separation will be worthwhile if it can result in us being together everyday after the decision is made.

Right now I'm stopping off to visit family. My uncle is on a work assignment near Dallas, so I've met up with him and we're going to pick up my aunt at the Dallas airport in a little bit. She's flying in from Reno. I'll stay with them until Friday, drop her off again at the airport on my way home, and hopefully be back in Round Rock by dinnertime.

In the meantime, I'm working really hard to be busy, and my best distractions are books and the internet. I've already finished Mockingjay, and picked up The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The first few pages of that last one were pretty dense for me, so I watched the movie through Netflix to see if I should continue the book. I haven't made an offiical decision yet, but it's hard for me to ignore a book lying around. At some point I'm sure I'll make another attempte.

Well-meaning people keep asking me how it went at court. Really, there's nothing to report. It was mainly just getting to know the players and exactly what was being asked for. Both Michael and I have spoken with a new social worker who was assigned just for the custody case, and I've been told to expect a home visit in RR sometime before the next court date. I'm not sure if the judge can issue a ruling at any time, or if there can come a point where she feels like she's heard enough even if we haven't jumped through all the hoops yet. Apparently at some point, Michael and I will sit with our lawyers and try to resolve things based on what direction the judge might already be leaning or how tired we are with the whole process. If that doesn't work, we'll be ordered to go through psych testing and who knows what else. So far, we are still early on in the process, and it might be several months after our next meeting before there is any resolution.

Right now, it is most important for me to find a job, make sure the house stays "visit-ready" and stay as optimistic as possible.

Until I can visit him again, I'm making sure that I call Jenny every day and send him little packages every few days. I think he understands they're from me... I just hope that we'll be able to be together again sooner than later.

Up too late

2010-08-03T02:33:00.002-05:00

Looking at the clock in the right hand lower corner of the screen, I cannot fathom why I am still awake at this hour.

Court is getting closer, and that will continue to be a source of anxiety until things are sorted and I arrive in a safe place with Jensen.

Other than that, all I can do is work towards making sure I have as much of the necessary components for a happy, healthy, stable life for him. Lots of job applications to complete and send tomorrow, now that open positions have been found to apply for. :)

Now that I am crossing this bridge, I have been imagining what life will look like on the other side. As it turns out, all I really want is simplicity. I want to have a job doing something I like that pays enough for me to have all of the necessities, and a few luxuries, too. When I come home from that job, I want to be able to pick Jensen up from his warm and cozy daycare and bring him home to a place that's ours, kept neat and ready for him to dive into play or snuggle with a good book. After that, I want to be able to make a healthy meal for us and then give him a bath, change him into comfy jammies, and tuck him safe and happy, into bed.

On weekends and holidays, I want to take him and visit all of the little friends he'll have here, while I sit with the other mommas, talk about books, and laugh at the kiddos playing together.

Sounds boring, right? But after being with someone I couldn't really be with, and then being with someone who was never actually "there", I have come to the conclusion that while I have a wonderful web of friends and family, at the end of the day, it will be just be and my boy. And for us, getting to a point of having a life that is safely routine and predictable is all I really want. And for that to happen, I will ultimately have to depend on myself.

I know that I can be resilient and self reliant, because I have been.

I continue to be.

I have to be.

Those old desires of finding a man, winning a man, keeping a man....these ideas will never be a priority, because my priority will be raising a man. My focus revolves around bringing up Jensen to be the kind of man I always wanted, but have never found. And if I accomplish that, I will be content with the fact that I will never have the romantic fantasies I had managed to concoct out of nothing.

Interesting that after years and years of wishing and hoping and praying that a wildly handsome someone would show up at my door and simply ask me to "come home," that the desire for that would fall away so completely, to leave me looking at the reality instead of what I'd been dreaming. And the truth is, the reality was never going to have a fairy tale ending, even if I'd gotten the big chance to ride off on the white horse as I'd originally envisioned. And so, it's okay that the dream never came true and that I woke up instead, and figured out it was just a dream. Took me long enough, but there it is...

I fully understand that my life will never be what I had previously imagined, but it was only today that I realized that is going to be my greatest blessing, because it paves the way to create a new life, a real one, that encompasses my true self, and my true desires.

Roller coaster

2010-07-30T20:10:00.002-05:00

Cannot fathom why (no, seriously) I have been having a truly difficult time pulling myself together today. I actually got to talk to Jenny in the morning, Michael agreed to go to mediation, I went shopping with a gift card, and a friend is bringing dinner over.

Still, have cried at least 3 times today, including once in the Kohl's where I was shopping.

After everything I have experienced, I am not so much of a crier anymore, so today was unbelievable.

And now that today is nearly over, I am looking forward to tomorrow, assuming it involves no crying!

Momma bear

2010-07-08T15:49:00.002-05:00

Well, I should've seen it coming, but Michael really pulled a fast one.

The morning I was supposed to leave, he had me served with family court papers saying that Jensen can't be taken out of NY. I am so upset and angry that I can barely see straight.

What really kills me is that he's not doing this because he loves Jensen, or wants Jensen, or even would miss Jensen. He's doing it because he feels like I'm his property and that by leaving, I'm essentially stealing from him.

I guess I'm back to square one when it comes to trying to get away from this jerk and having a better life.

Still working

2010-07-01T01:17:00.002-05:00

Things are still moving, but it seems like every time I turn around there's a new snag or an added task.

Today my cousin Tiff was here to go into the city with me and helped with Jensen while I gave my presentation at Random House. I feel really good that it went over well and doing it was a lovely ending to my career as a NYC teacher. Tiff, Termite and I had a nice dinner where I was totally distracted looking at the guy at the table next to us, who happened to resemble someone I knew a long time ago. Well, Tiff and I ate. Jensen was completely asleep before we were even out of the cab, and he stayed that way through the entire meal. He woke up as we were waiting for my credit card to be returned to the table. Then we looked around a bit at a couple of stores before heading back to the house, where she's helped me sort some more things and get a bit more organized with the packing. She's even able to use some of the things I wasn't planning to move, so it makes less work for me here. I am so sad that she's leaving in the morning, but she's also got a busy second half of the week.

Michael is out of town until at least Friday night, maybe even until Saturday. So, it'll be just be me and the Termite until Friday afternoon when Conner comes in. In some ways that's good, because I won't have to be helping him or answering questions from him, but at the same time, there's no one here to distract Jensen, even for a few minutes. Packing over the next day and a half is going to be tough, and getting things actually mailed may be close to impossible. It is very hard to carry boxes into a post office with no parking lot. Still, I'm going to do the best I can so that Conner and I can have less stress when she's here.

It's already nearly 2:30 in the morning here, and I seriously don't know how I'm even going to stay awake tomorrow, much less get all of my work done. One thing at a time, I suppose. That's all I can do!

Really looking forward to having some closure here and opening a new chapter of my life.

Brown boxes

2010-06-26T16:53:00.002-05:00

Obviously, it's been a long time since I've written anything here...I honestly don't think anyone reads it, and it's a safe place to get my head together.

We moved out of the riverside apartment, and are now in Michael's dad's house, but everything is still in flux because much of the stuff is being repacked to be sent on to another destination.

I'll be home soon, and am madly scrambling between packing, donating, farewell playdates (for both me AND Jensen), resting, and working.

I find it amazing that with all I've put into this process so far, the house still looks like a bomb went off in there. I've got 6 more days to get everything together and shipped out and I don't know how that's really possible.

I have a second vaccination clinic to take 2 of the kitties to tomorrow morning, I work Monday, Tuesday is prepping for moving AND prepping myself to be seen in public, Wednesday I present at Random House's educators' conference, Thursday is the last day to get things done before Friday, when Jen gets here. She'll be here Friday and Saturday to help, then we all get on a plane Sunday and arrive in Austin that evening.

It is a crazy week, but I've still been spinning my wheels not being able to find things and trying desperately to multi-task. There is still a whole lot left to do, and leaving it undone is not an option.

The great news is that my transcript has been stamped as "degree requirements met" and so hoepfully the process of securing a teaching license, which will then allow me to solidify the job I've been offered, will be complete. Still not done yet, so it's not a total sigh of relief yet, but it is a step in that direction.

Wish I could have a coach here to lead me through this process at this point. Time is going so fast, and I need to figure out how to work more effectively for everything to get lined up. I guess we'll see how things are going tomorrow and re-evaluate from there!

Yay x4

2009-10-26T22:20:00.003-05:00

Spent most of today adding to the decor in my part time classroom, visiting with former-now-new-again collegues, and visiting the local movie theatre, Staples, and toys R us for classroom supplies. I scored a Star Wars Clone poster from Toys R Us, and Toy Story and Ice Age from the cinema. My school is going through a "visit" (code for "evaluation") next week, and everyone is kind of anxious about everything not being completely perfect.

I was out until nearly 9, then went to pick up the boys at PaPa's. Hung out there and had my first bite to eat in more than 8 hours. Got lots of cuddles from my boy. He's my sunshine and blue skies.

Now I'm finally home, but I start work in the morning, so I have to make sure my stuff is ready to go, and that I'm mentally ready to get going in the morning. There are still logistics to be worked out, as I am finding out further duties that were not outlined when I signed the contract. But, it's a job, and that, in and of itself, is a thing I am thankful for. Can't wait to get paid, as I spent Jensen's birthday gift card and my last $20 in cash on school supplies and to put gas in the car.

Things are going to get easier.This Wednesday I have an interview for a second part time job with an after-school program in Harlem doing college prep with 9th and 10th graders.

I am still applying for other part time/flexible work to try and round out my week to close to 40 hours. The best part of doing it this way is that I'll still get to spend most of the day with Jensen, and should be home in time to put him to bed, too. Michael is looking into working night security, so with luck, he may be able to watch him while I'm gone, except for the hour or two when we're both traveling. So, work-yay, money-yay, face time with the Termite-yay, and finally, not having to pay for day care-yay.

Preparations

2009-10-21T15:12:00.002-05:00

Already thinking about my move.

Talked to a realtor today, who is going to start an ongoing home search for me, so I have definite options when I'm ready to seriously look for a house.

Emailed a friend who works in mortgages to have her critique my credit report and tell me what I REALLY need to get a loan in the current economy and hopefully enlighten me to any specialty deals for teachers and/or first time homebuyers.

Spoke to a pet moving specialist about how much it's going to cost to get the critters cross-country. (Sheesh-it's a lot...but I've got 5, so what did I expect, right?)

Sent my email plea to another Grad Studies Dept head honcho, hoping to get back into school by Spring...

Accepted a part time teaching job at the school I worked at before. This time I'll be teaching computers. Hmm...facebook, twitter, blogging...have I covered everthing? :)

And finally, applied for 2 more part time jobs that I could do in addition to my new gig.

Whew. I'm tired.

Applications galore...kind of

2009-10-20T00:11:00.003-05:00

I have started a real, honest to goodness, no holds barred job search.

It is harder than I thought.

Just the online ap for a part-time gig at Babies R Us took over an hour with their psych eval. No, I don't think all people are annoying, no, I'm not generally rude, and of course, I love working with others. :)

So far, besides that, I'm hoping for answers from Kaplan tutoring and Melissa and Doug, the awesome educational toy company. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but tailoring a cover letter for each company between paying attention to Jensen takes a lot of time.

I also took a little while and am nearly finished writing the thank-yous for his birthday, so at least there I am ahead of the game.

Here's hoping for good news soon!

On a totally different note, I saw the word "galore" spelled "galour" in a catalog I received today. That's someone's job I could have! Sheesh.

Finally, I am watching the new "Omen" tonight. By myself. Why? I. don't. know. Too scary. I normally don't watch anything like that, but tonight it was on and I left it on that channel.

It's over in a bit, then I'll go put on my favorite nearly ancient sleeping shirt that I love, then snuggle in next to my angelic boy so I don't have bad dreams. :)

Happy Birthday, Baby!

2009-10-14T23:12:00.002-05:00

The boy turned 2 as of 11:11 this morning!

I ventured out of my comfort zone and made a half homemade birthday cake (meaning I made a mix). Yay for Momma!

Of course, that one is his 3rd birthday cake so far this week. We went upstate for the long weekend, where he was positively spoiled by all involved. Sandy made him a from-scratch carrot cake. He thought it was fantastic! She and Dawn and the boys got him a remote control car. That was great, because "car" is one of his favorite words!

Then, the next day, we met Gramma and Susan at a restaurant, where we had pizza, then went to the park for presents and another cake! He got a ton of puzzles, a great set of pretend food, and enough Black and Decker play tools to fill a whole tool box!

So far, it has been a great birthday week. It concludes with his NYC party this Sunday. My little boy is so big already. I can hardly believe it's been 2 years. He's such a little man, with so many bright ideas and opinons. I am so excited to see what he's going to do next!

Running fast

2009-10-03T18:05:00.002-05:00

Over the last few weeks, there has been a lot of redirection for me. I have been thinking about what I want, what I need, and the same things in regards to Jensen.

So today, we did things he wanted and needed. Not that we hadn't done them before, but today I really put myself in the thoughtful place of making him the most happy without just needing to focus on when class was over or whether he was going to crawl under the table at the restaurant and sprint for the door (hey, it's happened....)

We had a fantastic momma/son day. We went to gym class, where he ran, and ran, and ran. He loves the rock climbing slope, and is so agile. It's hard for me to force him to wait his turn because, well, the other kids are....slow. But he does, and I know that eventually the simple habit of being patient will be a blessing for him.

Then we walked around the shopping center, with the intention of just taking a walk. Then we passed the diner where we've eaten many times. He took my hand and pulled me in the door as he shouted, "Nom!NOM!" (He speaks LOLcat....just so you know.) So I figured we should eat. He was such a gentleman. There was french toast, scrambled eggs and OJ, and he ate using his fork without any help. We were able to expertly time the meal so when he had finally decided it was time to slide down the bench and under the table, it actually WAS.

We continued our walk to the dollar store, where you can find Hot Wheels (normally 5 or 6 dollars-no, really) helium balloons, and birthday cards all for a mere dollar. After much shopping, and several sprints to keep him with me, he chose a balloon and....ahem, a fairy princess wand with lights and sound. That, instead of a SpiderMan pull n' go car. Well, okay then. It's not hurting anybody, so why not?

After we got home there was a great nap with me getting to watch a movie while he slept with my arm around him, then little boy nekkid time, and then pee on the floor, which led to the best reason to be nekkid...a great bubble bath.

He is now upstairs pounding away on his wooden tool bench, having a fantastic time. We have had a lot of great days, but it was really nice being able to be with him, just us, and not be stressing about him being grumpy or having to eat as fast as possible to make sure I actually got a bite. Today was a perfect combination of him becoming a bigger boy and me being able to simply enjoy that.

Tunnel vision

2009-09-23T07:39:00.002-05:00

Sigh...things are not going as well as I'd like here.

Michael found out shortly before school started that his school eliminated the position he'd been asked to cover as a long-term sub. So, now there's no longer a real discussion on whether we can afford for me to stay home with Jensen or just work part time. Now, we have to race to get some money coming in, and whomever finds a full time job first, goes to work.

The idea of being back in Texas is prominent now. Reconnecting with some old friends and seeing the lower cost of living tells me that staying here just isn't the best decision anymore. I know it will be some time before I'm able to make the move, but it's not an "if" anymore-it's a "when."And honestly, I don't know when, but I am hoping it will be within the next year or so. I know I have to finish my degree, my teaching certs, save some money and hopefully find a job located there before I move.

When I originally got on a plane to move here back in 2002, I had an entirely different set of needs and desires. It was the right place to go at the right time. I have thought more than once that it wasn't an accident that I was here when Momma died. I needed to have a focus and a job that would keep me going.

But life is a lot different now, and it's not a job that keeps me going, it's my little boy.

I have learned a lot from living in New York, most importantly how to be self sufficient in one of the toughest places to be so. It is a lesson that I am grateful for, because not everyone learns it. I've gotten to go to museums and Broadway shows, and I loved it. But those days are farther and fewer in between because, well, it's harder when you have a baby. And when I realized that not only am I having to work so hard to make it here, and not getting to truly take advantage of what makes the city so great, it finally dawned on me that I am at a point where I need to make a choice to stay or go. And I choose to go.

With the decision being made made, I feel totally secure that it is the best choice. In many ways, it feels like my heart has already left.

Jensen is everything to me, and I want him to have a house, with a yard, and a neighborhood where we can walk to a friend's house. Unfortunately, that dream is not just a difficulty here, it is impossible. With the amount that gets taken out here for income taxes for both city and state, and the outrageous cost of housing, regular people can't qualify for a house anymore.

The next months will be focused on preparing for a new life: the light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to a place that holds new possibilities for me, based on the many differences in my life now. I am doubly fortunate that the place I want to go not only has opportunities, but happy memories, too. Most of all, I am happy that there will be a time, not so so far in the future, that Jensen and I will be able to have an extended family nearby. Out of everything, being able to have face to face contact with those dearest to me is what matters most.

More than a tweet

2009-09-12T14:23:00.002-05:00

So, it has been a long time since a new post, but there hasn't been much more going on than you could read in a tweet, LOL! That hasn't changed, but I just felt more like writing without a character limit on my thoughts today.

We're gearing up for Jensen's second birthday. As a first time mom, I didn't know how much my baby would already NOT be a baby by his second birthday. He is beautiful, and it is still pointed out to me anywhere I take him. Most of the time I enjoy it, feel proud, and we move on. Strangely, at other times, it makes me anxious, because I wonder if he would be a target for some child abductor. Or if I allow myself to feel too good about him being so pretty, if I will be reprimanded by the universe and something bad will happen. I know, that sounds strange, but it's what's in my head. My solution is to try to allow myself to feel good about it, but make sure that with him, I focus on teaching him how to be the best person he can be. There's a possibility he might aways be judged first on how he looks, so I want to make sure that he's judged last on how he treats others.

He is showing more and more creativity, having his first experience with Play Doh yesterday. He is still figuring out what he'd like to do with it, mainly pulling it into little pieces because he's amazed it can come apart like that. He also feed it to his pet plastic giraffe, making little "nom" noises as the giraffe had a taste of red, a taste of blue....yum.

We've also been drawing a lot. He likes to color on his own, but even more, he likes to put the color in my hand and move my hand to draw. He'll even bring me paper and crayons so I'll color for him and he can watch.

He is really turning into a little boy now, rather than a baby. He definitely has his own opinions, and since he's nearly 2, most of his opinions are, "Mine!" and "Faster!" and "No!" But really, except for some totally random meltdowns here and there, he's such a good boy and we get along great.

As for me, I am still trying to get back into college. The Dean of Grad Studies has to approve my request to register, and that postition was changing employees when I contacted them and it seems my paperwork was lost in cyberland or never got to who needed to see it. So, I am trying again, this time to register in the Spring. If that works, I'll be finished by summer. We'll see.

I also am hoping to make my teaching video next week and put it aside so I can apply for Professional Certification as soon as my Master's is finished. Then I will have the ability to make an actual decision as to whether I'd like to continue to teach and if I do, where I would like to go.

I've been subbing at SRB for this week, and go again for the first few days of next week, but after that, I'll be needed a new job. Not sure why, but they don't plan on retaining subs for day-to-day work and so I won't be called unless there's an extended period of time when someone's out. I am already looking at job boards, and there actually is a lot of stuff that I'm qualified for. I just have to get going and start submitting letters and resumes and see what happens.

I guess that's about it....it's a gray, rainy day here, and the boys are out taking Grandpa's doggie to the vet, and I'm here my myself. There are tons of things I probably could be doing, but the weather is making me feel like getting the first cup of tea for the fall and snuggling up with a good movie or nice read before the guys come home.

Where to update next?

2009-06-12T06:30:00.002-05:00

Wondering if I should try to continue updating all of the micro-blogging sites and still post here. The jury's still out, but I've noticed that the updates here are becoming fewer and farther in between.

I'm working on getting back into college to finish my Master's, and the process should be finished soon. I've already had an advising appointment, so the rest of the work is essentially a formality. But I'm working on it already, because I want make sure I'm allowed to register in July.

Besides that, I am gearing up for Shelby to come visit in July. It's going to be great, but also a challenge, because that also marks the time when Michael will be at wrestling camps full time. I'll have Shelby and Jensen by myself most of the time she's here.

Jensen is growing exponentially, and I found out today that at 20 months, he can hold his own body weight and swing like a monkey. He's so strong! It's also obvious to me that he's learning quickly. It was only a couple of weeks ago that he would get frustrated trying to put together one of his puzzles. Now we mix up the pieces to all 4 of them and he can put all of the pieces where they go in a matter of minutes.

He just got his first trike, and since it's been rainy outside, he's been practicing his riding skills around the living room. We've decided to start safety early, and he brings me his helmet throughout the day to practice putting it on and off. (It's sized for a 3 year old, btw....)

He is full of energy, and it's hard to keep up with him all day. Lots of times I resort to still napping with him. I am looking forward to having him sleep the whole night in his crib, starting at a decent hour. Right now he fights tooth and nail to stay up later, and since during the day I still can't leave him alone in a room, even for a couple of mintues, without him climbing something, it's a struggle to get time to get things done that need any true amount of focus on my part.

However, being with him is a fantastic gift, and I am so glad that I am getting to see all of these developments as they happen. It will be too soon before I am overwhelmed with trying to work and finish my classes, so I'm trying to enjoy the time with him while I'm fortunate enough to have it.

Future's so bright, he's gotta wear shades

2009-05-06T11:54:00.001-05:00

At lunch at Applebee's in Bayside with the Termite. Isn't he cool?

Dancer Pics

2009-04-01T22:58:00.002-05:00

Dug through some old photo boxes to find dancer pictures for facebook. (You're welcome, Jenny!) Here is a link that facebook says should allow public access:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1566336&l=60c434ea22&id=666058694

These are from the first year, but I quit scanning after an hour. Year two is probably still buried in a box somewhere.

Retroactive

2009-04-01T18:22:00.010-05:00

More pictures, most recent first:

At Breakfast with Santa at school with the Termite

Halloween (RAWR! He's a lion!)

In Oct, on the way home from Jensen's birthday weekend upstate

At Vacation Bible School, I was the main character in the daily skit - 2008

With my Uncle Kevin at a wolf rescue event-2007

Ha! My glamour shot, going on 3 years ago (?)

At the airport, waiting for the plane back to NYC - 2006

Limbo

2009-01-25T22:41:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow starts what may be my last week of work for this school. Possibly I won't know until Friday. They're waiting for the teacher on maternity leave to decide whether she'll be back Feb 2, or wait until Sept 09.

So, 5 days or 5 months.....we'll see soon enough.

Almost Christmas?

2008-11-16T09:36:00.007-05:00

That's how it seems...at school we're already in rehearsals for the Christmas show and the ballroom dance finale event. I've already signed up for Secret Santa at work and breakfast with Santa for Jensen. But, I still haven't caught up from September! This is us, upstate at my Aunt's house...

And that same weekend, picking apples at a nearby farm.

This was us at Halloween, with our little lion...

My little boy is just joy and light everyday. The teachers at his school all know him, and tell me every day how great they think he is. They call him their little surfer boy, with all that brilliant blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

We are having such a great time, I just wish we could make the days slow down and enjoy them more. He's getting big so fast, and it is truly amazing to watch as he learns and grows!

Working

2008-09-18T16:33:00.004-05:00

Things are, as always, crazy.

I went to cover a class for a friend of mine from church who works for a private school. She happened to let me know that a long-term sub position was available because of the teachers is pregnant and due almost any day.

So, I went to interview last Thursday, did the coverage for my friend Friday morning, and was offered the full-time job before I left for that afternoon.

I spend most of the weekend and all day Monday finding and securing a place for Jensen at a local daycare that I felt comfortable with and could afford on my sub salary and still have a little left over. (Okay, honestly, it's very, very little.)

However, the kids are fantastic, they have tons of supplies - every kid has a book in each subject and for some classes even have their own workbook that they can write in! It's amazing to see the comparison between this and my Brooklyn hoodlums, and the amount of resources available here. All in all, it's a pretty cushy job, and it was a good way to bring in some extra money, try going back to work for a short time to see if I'm ready, and get something to put on my resume for the time I've been out of the workforce to stay home with Jensen.

He has had a great time at "school" the last couple of days. They feed him all the time, and he's doing projects already! He's growin' up so fast!

Termite tornado

2008-09-09T10:53:00.003-05:00

Oh, boy, this baby's fast! Jensen is officially walking, all by himself, ALL THE TIME. I don't know where this little energizer gets his fuel, but he will go and go until he simply cannot do anymore.

Everyone is back to work now-Amy's been at school for a whole week already, and today was Michael's first day back at the office, and therefore, my first day of having the termite to myself in quite some time.

Whew...and it's only noon!

He finally quit running and is down for a nap. It's a little later than usual, so I'm hoping for a longer stretch of quiet.

He is also learning today...it is important to us that he learns to communicate with the animals so he doesn't hurt them and doesn't get hurt. Today he pushed Sydney a little too far, and she hissed at him. He is a smart boy and backed off. Okay, so there were about 20 seconds of crying for being scared, but ultimately, that is a good thing. He was able to understand she had had enough, and he listened to her, so she didn't feel that she needed to go further than her warning. In a house with 5 cats, he has done really well and only gotten scratched lightly a couple of times, and even that was accidentally done in the midst of playing.

So, now everyone is calm, and the furry ones are doped up on catnip (thought I'd mellow them out for naptime) and baby's sleeping.

Hhmmm, perhaps Momma should nap, too?

Trapped Termite!

2008-09-02T22:41:00.002-05:00

Muwahahahaha! My little Termite is trapped, trapped I tell you! The baby gates are officially up today. Yes, technically it's actually a little later than I'd wanted, but when I tried to put the first one in, by morning it was pulling out of the wall....not good. So, I did it the good old fashioned way-I called a handyman.

He was here at 9:30 this morning, and the gates over both staircases were done in an hour! Fantastico!

Now I am trying to recover from my whirlwind day yesterday...my dear friend Amy is staying with me for a bit, and she had some major back to school shopping to do for her first day ever of being a NYC teacher. It was fun, but after something like 10 hours of pounding the pavement at Target, Staples, and Queens Center Mall, we were both quite ready to go home. My body is also mad at me for wearing flip flips. No cushioning, and all that pounding has radiated up my legs and back. Humph.

Soon Michael will also start work again, and it'll be just be me and the Termite during the day. He is getting so big! (I know, I know, babies do that....) I have started a journal of letters just for him, so someday he'll be able to read about how much trouble he was (just kidding!) and how much I love him!

Still waiting to hear an update on the music video, but I still haven't lost the enthusiam for the arrival of the finished product to be announced. Of course, it'll be posted here for all to see.

Finally, I signed myself up for a twitter account...not like you all need to be seeing even more of what I do, but I guess if you did, here's your chance. It's under astoria_lily if you'd like to search.

Yawn-it's way past bedtime now....when did I get old? :)

Remembrancing

2008-08-29T21:34:00.002-05:00

I had a beautiful day of memories mixed with expectations.

I met my lovely doula, Alecia, for breakfast at a sweet little bakery. It was like I'd just seen her yesterday for how easy the conversation was, but in reality, it'd been nearly 10 months since we'd spoken in person.

In an added blessing, we got to discuss pregnancy on even ground...she's set to deliver her first little one in October, just around Jensen's birthday!! It was just wonderful to sit and talk and simply be around someone you like so much, especially in such a serene setting. For most of the morning, we were the only ones there and got the place to ourselves.

Termite also had a checkup today, and after spending all morning talking about how little he once was with someone who was there then, too, it was amazing to see how far and how fast he has come.

At birth, he was 11.1 pounds...a mere 10 and a half months later, he has more than doubled his body weight and is tipping the scales at nearly 25. And, technically, he was more than tipping the scale, as the "baby" scale in the doctor's office is now too small for him, with his head hanging off one end and his feet coming off the other when we got him to lay down so the doc could move the weights. Truthfully, we all put in a hand to steady him and he was weighed standing up, as he simply would not stay still when it was so fun to "help" move the weights!

As for height, he is a giant! Coming in at the 97% for height, he is already 31 inches long (for those of you doing the math, that comes out to a tiny bit over 2 and a half feet.....that's nearly half of MY height!)

Tomorrow is gym day. I am thrilled to report that with a little help holding his weight, he is able to do foward flips on the bar and loves to walk on his hands with someone holding his feet. Perhaps someday he'll be an Olympian?

Cruisin'

2008-07-14T22:56:00.003-05:00

Oh, it's been soooo long since a new post... I've been running around after my newly mobile little Termite. He can now not only crawl, but also pull up and cruise along furniture and even stand for several seconds all on his own.

This means that he's got a lot more ways to be busy, but he also has no intention of being trapped in a high chair, carseat, play pen or crib for a moment longer than he feels like it.

It also means that he's not going to bed until he's completely exhausted...we tried keeping bedtime constant, but he was just exhausting himself by being upset. So, at least for now, while he's still trying things out, we've let him decide when bedtime is. (As soon as he shows the tiniest bit of tired, we start the bedtime routine.) It's still within the normal range of the bedtime we'd chosen, but there's a lot less fighting and a lot more sleeping.

On other fronts, there is a lot of organizing and preparation going on. I finally cleaned out a ton of boxes that hadn't been opened from the move a year and half ago, and put the items at least in the right rooms. Now, I have to go back and find places for them to really "go." In addition, we're making room for my very good friend Amy to have some space when she arrives here in a few weeks to stay while she sorts out finding a job and an apartment in the Big City.

Finally, I'm starting to get things together for all of the committees I'm on for church...I have several projects that need attending to, as the events are drawing near. With that said, I am off to bed to get some much needed sleep.

How big can a termite smile?

2008-06-18T00:10:00.004-05:00

THIS BIG!!!

He is making his little personality come out, and is starting to tell us what he wants (and what he doesn't!) He's still entralled with the kitties, but has started trying to explore further than the little mat I have set out for him to play on. Now I'm spending more and more of my day making sure he's not getting underneath the desk or trying to pull on the trash can. It's amazing how fast he can move when it's still not technically "crawling." He can kind of push off and leap around like a tiny frog. Totally amusing, but getting into a lot more stuff.

Therefore, it's time to Termite-proof the house. I got gates for the stairways yesterday, and will probably spend a few hours tomorrow or the next day installing them and making sure everything gets up off the floor.

The rest of tomorrow will be spent taking care of the bigger baby. Michael finally has insurance and even more finally, his ID cards have arrived. So, he went in today for some preliminary work on some conditions that have been bothering him-wrist (tourettes' tic that got out of control, and he punched a door), knee (car accident) , and head (probably another occurence of skin cancer, which he didn't have checked the first time around.) He's going back tomorrow to have the skin leision biopsied and have his blood checked for all of the normal stuff. They told him that they'd give him anesthetic for the biopsy, and he shouldn't drive himself home, so we're dropping Termite at Auntie A's house and heading to the doctor.

Hopefully after that the rest of the day will be calm so we all can recouperate from being off our normal schedule. I am looking forward to Michael's physical problems being addressed, because it's been quite a bone of contention between us to get him to have himself checked out. Now that it's going to be done, he'll feel better physically and we'll have less arguments! A win-win situation!

Funny kitties

2008-06-14T19:40:00.002-05:00

Just a quick check-in.

I've been alone with the Termite for the last few days while Daddy's out of town at a certification workshop and to see the Olympic trials.

In this time, the boy has discovered the cats in a big way. If they come close to him, he starts laughing hysterically. Which, in turn, makes me laugh. He also tries as best he can to pet the kitties. I am usually right there, holding his hand and coaching him to be gentle. The kitties are good sports and mostly tolerate it much further than I would've expected.

And then comes that inevitable moment when kitty purposely moves out of reach. Baby then gets upset! Whining for the kitty! Ah, my boy's an animal lover already.

I guess it's only fair that they put up with his petting...they do consistently tease and badger him by flicking their tails within grabbing range and then proudly sauntering away, just slowly enough that he starts to believe he can catch them. But they know better, for now.

What they don't know is that it's just a short matter of time before he starts really crawling. Then, you'd better look out, kitties!

Milestone Weekend

2008-05-29T22:06:00.003-05:00

We had a lovely weekend out of town for Memorial Day, and spent time with both sides of my family. We stayed with my Mom's older sister, and everything was wonderful. Back at Christmas, I had brought up my sadness that Jensen doesn't have a grandma on either side, and she had happily offered to step in as a surrogate. As great as that was, for some reason, having her be Grandma Sandy just didn't fly off the tongue for either of us. A big reason probably being that it's hard to switch gears after calling her Aunt Sandy for my whole life. So, I was talking to Jensen about her, and "Auntie Grams" slipped out. An epiphany that sat well with all!

We also experienced some major milestones. Jensen managed to begin full-on pushups, up on his toes, just like grown-up ones, and after a few tries, was able to get his knees under him. Shortly afterward he also came to the conclusion that he can lay on the floor and scoot himself backwards using his hands to push himself. Bottom line? (haha) This boy's gonna be crawlin' soon, and I'm gonna be in tru-uh-ble.

Also, during one of his many giggle fits, Michael pointed out to me that he now has 2 more teeth breaking through, this time on the top!

He also has started drinking juice from a sippy cup, mainly with a little help from a grown up, but sometimes all on his own! And today was the first time I actually saw him pick up a fruit puff with his thumb and forefinger! YUM!

Last, but not least, one of my younger cousins was sweet enough to teach Celine how to ride a bike. She had tried several times before, but for some reason was panicked about getting a bruise. After watching my cousins do it, she became convinced it was safe, and one of them gave up his bike and taught her himself. So, she spent the last hour of our trip happily zooming up and down the road in front of the house. Good for her!

counterproductive

2008-05-21T02:10:00.002-05:00

I don't know what's up with me the last few days. I have more to do than ever before, but feel more tired and, well, blah, than I have in a long time.

There's nothing depressing going on, but I suppose there's nothing amazingly spectacular happening at the moment, either.

It's just been hard to be motiviated the last few days, and for me, that always means going back to my natural groove, however physically miserable that might make me later. It doesn't matter what time I get up, I've always been a night owl, so when I'm moody I find myself up at all hours.

Tomorrow, I'll be needing a huge pot of coffee.

Time flies

2008-05-16T23:25:00.003-05:00

It is hard to believe this shot was taken only about 6 weeks ago! Jensen is growing and evolving at such a rapid pace!

He is now rolling over and back with hardly any effort. He is doing his crunches every day, and I bet will be sitting up on his own quite soon.

He also has a developing sense of humor, meaning that everything, and I mean everything, is hysterically funny. It's FANTASTIC! All I have to do is look at him and breathe loudly, and I am rewarded with cascades of baby giggles.

He makes me smiles hundreds of times each day, sometimes even when I'm not in his room. I sneak up near his door and when he thinks he's alone, he babbles to himself. Well, either that, or he's talking to the animals on his mobile. Sometimes I think I can ever hear certain words, but mostly is sounds like yadda yadda yadda.....wait, I DO say that!! He's a genius!

nostalgia

2008-05-07T23:09:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when it's very late, and I'm up by myself, having that bit of alone time, I have a tendency to mentally slip back into my past. For me, music has become more and more a part of the way that I remember things. and sometimes recent songs bring up old events. So, here are the songs in my brain tonight...make of it what you will. (I was gonna do that cool think where you click on a single word and BAM! the rest of your post reveals itself, but it was too complicated for me. Blah.)

Missing (Everything But the Girl)
River (Sarah McLachlan)
Under the Gun (Supreme Beings of Leisure)
Bed of Lies (Matchbox Twenty)
I'll Cover You: Reprise (Rent Soundtrack)
HeyThere, Deliliah (Plain White T's)
Sama Veda (Shanti Shanti)
New York City (Norah Jones)
Sadeness: Part 1 (Enigma)
No Man's Woman (Sinead O'Connor)
Tenderness on the Block (Patty Larkin) -which you can only hear on the
Sliding Doors movie

Hope you're inspired to start compiling the soundtrack of your life! Enjoy.

My soapbox

2008-05-05T13:52:00.003-05:00

I had been spending the morning researching insurance possibilities for Michael and Jensen, when I had a conversation with an independent insurance and estate planning consultant. He mentioned that we should really start looking at life insurance just in case. As the talk continued and I gave him more information about our situation, he told me that some companies wouldn't let me be the beneficiary of a life insurance policy for Michael because we aren't married. I had honestly not even considered that possibility.

So, if we've ever talked, you know that I had to deal with both my parents dying young and having to figure out how to close their estate. After my conversation today with this representative, there is even more to do than I thought.

My message to you is this: plan your estate. Even if you're 29, single and have no kids. Plan for the unexpected. Understand that what you have may not even be released to your family or loved ones if you don't put your wishes in writing and make sure someone knows where that writing is.

Of course, it's even more important if you have a significant other, child, or pet (yes, pet) that you know you want to have taken care of if you're not around. I'm not advocating any particular company or person, I just want you to find out what your rights are in your individual situation and the steps you need to take to make your your wishes are carried out if the unthinkable happens.

Finding out today that even if Michael would have to shop around more just for a company that would allow me to receive the benefits just struck a nerve and I don't want to go through the helplessness I felt with my parents. I didn't even know that my mom had bank accounts in several places, or that my dad still had ibm stock when things happened. And having to contact all of those places is hard enough, but having to explain the situation a million times and prove who you are is not any fun. I know it could be even worse if Michael doesn't get a will together that specifies that we have a relationship. Otherwise, according to the legal system, we're nothing to each other.

More Jensen

2008-05-04T20:51:00.003-05:00

Here is another of Jensen's new photos. I can't get over how big he's getting. The other baby at church who's 15 months or so is actually smaller than Jensen! I can only imagine how confused he must be when he sees this tiny boy get up and run around! I bet he's wishing he could join the fun!

He is rolling over more now, and can stay up on his tummy for a long time before getting tired. He says "Momma" all the time, but is trying out his "f" and "oo" sounds. He still can't sit up by himself, but has begun doing "mini-crunches" to try to get up. Let's see, what else...when he is placed into a sitting position, he can stay there for a good while with some help for balance, and can even balance on his own for a few seconds here and there. And, his two teeth are totally through and he now is trying to grab for the spoon when we feed him! Sometimes it's hard to get the spoon back because he likes to bite it. He is becoming his own little person more and more each day!

As for me, I've started training to be a storyteller as part of a new Children and Worship program at church. I'm also starting to throw out ideas on how we may be able to draw more families and trying to follow through on one at a time as the ideas get approved or dismissed from the proper committees. I'm also starting to help our VBS director get geared up for this year's event.

At home, I'm trying to work on the computer scoring tests, but it is going slower than I had intended and I'm not getting in as many hours as I would like. Avon is barely existent. I'm going to have to start taking it more seriously if I'm going to make any money this way, so I've started looking as business cards and a window sticker that aren't too expensive.

Finally, I've decided to give the child modeling world another try, now that Jensen is a little older and we can really tell that he's truly easygoing and happy all the time. I've got my list of agents together and am going to create my own 8x10 comp card collages to send out.

And, that's what's going on with me...now that Jensen is older, and I've had more time to recover, I feel like I'm getting my energy back. I don't exactly bounce out of bed, but I've been trying to walk a few times a week, and we've been making more of an effort to eat more healthy and go to sleep earlier. I guess it's starting to show a positive effect!

Saving Eli

2008-04-21T01:05:00.011-05:00

This season, I found the BEST new show to watch. Eli Stone is a great program. If you haven't heard about it yet, here's the scoop:

Eli is a lawyer who begins to have visions, apparently from divine inspiration. He begins to turn his shark-like legal skills away from protecting big companies and starts to help those in a true need for justice. Throw in a somewhat bitchy ex, a cute but taken co-worker, and a couple of musical numbers (not kidding-they're acutally really good!) and you have a show that makes you laugh, cry, and even think about God.

Want more? ABC is providing all of the shows online, most with limited commercials. If you haven't seen it yet, it's definitely worth the time to watch.

Unfortunately, ABC may already be getting ready to throw Eli into the has-been division of their programming lineup. If you like Eli, here's one way to possibly keep him on the air. Or, you can go directly to the ABC message boards and post a comment.

Pretty boy

2008-04-19T10:10:00.003-05:00

Just a bit of random: Baby J is doing well; he has TWO teeth now, which is just amazing to me. He still smiles ALL the time, but now he thinks it is HILL-LAR-EE-US when I sing to him. He especially likes Hava Nagila (which I don't know the words to, so I just sing the melody) and the theme from the Lone Ranger, which goes really well with his cowboy-themed Jumperoo.

He is also rebelling against afternoon naptime and bedtime. Now, he sometimes stays up for 2-3 hours past bedtime, even when we go through the whole routine. He get a bath, then jammies, story, and a bottle, and STILL insists he isn't going to sleep just yet. I don't know what prompted this, and to make it more perplexing, he still has days where he is spot-on with the routine and konked out at 6:30 on the dot.

Next week I start working from home, scoring standarized tests again. This will be interesting, to see how successful I can be with a baby and a job that requires so much focused concentration. I'm gonna give it my best shot, because it's probably the only way I can stay home and make money and the same time.

I looked into child care options, well, only 2 so far. The daycare chain Tutor Time wanted 1380/mo for Jensen. I nearly choked. The other place is run by the woman who runs the Sunday nursery at church, and I thought it would be ideal that Jensen could be somewhere that he already knew someone. However, she said that the waiting list is so long, that he wouldn't get in by Sept for me to go back to work...sigh. So, I'll regroup and try to find some other places nearby that I feel like I can trust with my little one and aren't going to make me go broke.

Welcome to the Family

2008-03-31T18:05:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Jensen's baptism. All I had to do was show up, but it couldn't have been more perfect if I'd planned every moment.

We got there early to meet with the collective that oversees the church legality of membership and baptism, and J was awake and smiling through the whole thing. The church service itself was beautiful and serene, as J had sweetly drifted off to sleep and took a nap though the actual baptism (which also meant there was no crying, not even while getting sprinkled).

The after-party was fantastic, and my Aunt and Gramma were there, as was "Aunt" Janice and "Gramma" Nicole. Of course, always nearby were his 4, yes 4, in-house godmothers. We took tons of photos and had a wonderful time getting to visit with everyone. We also left with way too many gift, which were just a sweet reminder of how much Jensen is loved. Every time we though we'd gotten everything together, someone else would run up and give us another gift bag!

We also went for lunch with my family and Nicole, who had run late and didn't arrive until we were heading to the car. The whole day was so special and in a word: joyful.

And, Jensen gave me a new surprise at home: he has not one, but TWO tiny teeth poking through the bottom gums! It won't be long before he's asking for steak and taters!!

Being blissfully happy is a beautiful thing. Here's a welcome to our little one as he "officially" joins God's family!

Have you seen this!?!

2008-03-13T19:51:00.002-05:00

CRAZINESS! A mom taking her children to donate coins to a Salvation Army bucket at Christmas is arrested for leaving her 2 year old sleeping in the car within her sight for 4 minutes!!! The absurdity of it just astounds me.

So, I suppose that from now on I should take Jensen out in the New York cold to simply move a shopping cart out of the way of the car, rather than have him be safe and cozy in his carseat? Or maybe it'll be checking the mail that I'll get arrested for. This whole thing was nutso. At least the final result is vindicating: the charges against her have been dropped, due to (duh) lack of evidence. It's just sad that she even had to fight for that, when the case obviously had no merit. What a Christmas memory for the little girls to hold onto.

And where were the police when this was happening?!?

Our world is a crazy place, ya'll. Thank God everyone, from both stories, are alive and recovering from the trauma that their experiences have heaped upon them.

Home Alone

2008-03-07T21:20:00.002-05:00

Michael is out of town this weekend, as he was invited by the bigwigs to attend the NY State wrestling competition upstate.

So, Jensen and I are doing our thing-we were out almost all day today. We went to Target, grocery store, and Starbucks. He is my sweet boy. He is happy and smiley all day long.

At home, he bounced and bounced-that Jumperoo is the best toy EVER. I will be so sad when he outgrows it! Then, a snack of sweet potatoes and custard and it was already almost time for bed. He got changed into his footie pajamas (I'm partial to ones that have animals on the feet) and then we danced to his lullaby CD, had a bottle, and off to dreamland.

I am so lucky to have such an easy baby. He just lights up my day. I love to lay in bed and listen to him coo to himself and talk to the animals on his mobile. He's hardly ever fussy, and if he is, it's usually for an easily diagnosible and fixable reason.

I am excited to watch him grow into being his own little person!

Little cowboy

2008-02-29T23:10:00.002-05:00

Things are good.

Jensen is amazing. I love to see the little gears in his brain working when he is concentrating on something. We have just started him on solid food. Some will say this is too soon (he's 4 and 1/2 months) but when we experimented with amounts of formual and found that he was most satisfied with 13 oz in one sitting, we decided it was time. He's still definitely on the bottle, but is now back to being content with 8-9 oz. Besides that, he loves his 'nanas and pears. He is already smart enough to see the spoon, open his mouth and lean foward. He also helps sometimes and puts his little hand on the spoon and guides it into his mouth. What a smartie!

He is also loving his jumperoo. The front of his is shaped like a horsie, complete with mane and ears. For the last 2 days he has bounced himself to sleep! When he jumps, the toy plays cowboy songs and yells "Yeehaw!" For me, it's a lot better than the plinky digitized versions of classical music that lots of other toys play (and we have some of those, too...)

Michael and I are focusing more on us and what needs to be done for us to be successful. Jensen's baptism is coming up and we're trying to really get serious about the committment that means. For those of you who are in churches that only sponsor "believer's baptism," the lowdown on infant baptism is this: the ceremony simply acknowleges the love of God for the child, and at this age, the responsibility of teaching a child how to live responsibly and to love God rests with them until the child is old enough to take the responsibility for himself. The act of taking that responsibility is the confirmation ceremony. So, we're thinking and talking about how best to make sure we keep our promise to Jensen and God so he grows up to be the best man he can be.

To help us with this, we're attending a Bible study once a week, I'm going to a second one also, and Michael is spending one night a week ministering to homeless women who are sheltered by our church. I am also in talks with the minister to co-coordinate the children's Sunday School program. We really want Jensen to grow up in the church and have also realized that we're both nicer people on Sundays. Going to the church more often seemed like a great way to enchance that experience.

Finally, I am also considering becoming and entrepreneur of sorts. I have a start-up interview to be an Avon rep this Friday. We'll see how that goes. I'm also waiting to hear back from the scoring company I used to work for in Austin. They now have a telecommuting workforce and I applied to score essays from home. I should know something in the next week or so.

dee-leesh-ous

2008-02-08T03:51:00.000-05:00

That's what the modeling lady said about him. I couldn't agree more, and obvy, so does Daddy! Ok, so I got a form email saying the agency couldn't "service" him at this time, but that's sooo okay. I had to stand on line for nearly an hour and a half just to have them see him for about 2 minutes. While I was there, I was thinking that that was not the way I wanted to spend his babyhood...standing around forever. But, if you're interested in what happens at these things, you can go to the site for good morning america and click on the story titled, "A Model Baby." They followed a couple who also got a callback and taped their experience. For now, I think I'd much rather spend those hours at the park.

Besides that, I have seen his first "taught" skill. I was making faces at him, specifically sticking out my tongue at him. When he mirrored me, I smiled at him and kissed him tons and tons. Um, well, uh, now when he wants kisses (all the time) he smiles, giggles, then sticks out his tongue.

Ooops.

Callback

2008-01-17T19:14:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I know, all mommies think their baby is THE cutest, as they should. Of course, I think Jensen is the best thing ever...and so others could admire his cuteness, I decided to submit his photos to a baby modeling agency here in NYC.

Lo and behold, I am not the only one who thinks this kid is adorable! He got past the first round and they want to see him in person at an "invitation only" open call in 2 weeks. Now, even though I'm excited, I also realize that that doesn't mean he's signed yet, and that even if he did get signed, he may not ever even get a paying gig. But, it's a fun thing to do for now and I'm interested to see where it goes. Right now, it's only one agency, but if they say no, I've already been inspired to put together packets to send to others just to see what happens.

Little shoes

2008-01-08T02:38:00.000-05:00

*Sigh* my baby's getting big! I went to get him dressed a few days ago and his shoes (the cutest little moccasin booties) wouldn't zip up! He's not even three months old and already wearing size 2 shoes and is starting to fit into his *gulp* 6 month size clothes!

We have another Dr's appt this Saturday for another vaccination. Last time was not fun, and he was really upset for the whole day-not at all my normal, easy-going boy! Not looking forward to that!

I've also started really doing his nursery as a project. I'm about halfway through painting, and I've collected everything to put on the walls. I feel a little guilty that I'm just starting now, but I was sooo ginormous (now an official word) that I didn't think it would be good for me to try and climb up and down a ladder for painting. Anyway, it's starting to look really sweet and so much more like a boy's room. (The tenant before had a little girl, so the room is a really pale pink.) I 'll post photos when I'm done. I think I'll feel better overall to know that his room will finally feel like his room.

'Sides that, just working on all the normal New Year's goals-clearing off the treadmill, eating better, making sure we make the best attempt to go to church each week....I'm thinking that I might send cards and letters (meant originally for Christmas, but never started) and put them out as a New Year's greeting. I mean, it's gonna feel like a new year for a while, right? So even if they're not sent until next week, I can still count myself on track.

Also, a shout to my friend Kat-thanks for commenting, and I hope you're feeling well after your surgery.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-26T00:42:00.000-05:00

We took Baby J to the mall last night to get his photo taken with the Big Guy--totally cute! We also went to Christmas Eve service at church and the Wassail hour afterward (in other words, we stayed for egg nog and cookies!) Jensen was the hit of the evening in his santa suit! What a cutie. (And, we met a 4 month old that was there for the first time. Uh, Jensen is bigger than him!)

Today was very easy going...no pressure, no rushing, no stress. We exchanged gifts--Jensen loves his new swing and has already fallen asleep in it twice today.

Tomorrow we're going upstate to see the family. It seems like Thanksgiving was only yesterday! We're looking forward to a scenic drive, and overnight stay and then coming back home in plenty of time to recoup and get ready for the new year.

Happy holidays to all, love you lots!

Momentum

2007-12-20T01:54:00.001-05:00

I guess there's always going to be "so much" to do. I worked really hard last night, and got a lot of the bedroom decluttered and found homes for some things left out. I cleared off the top of the dresser and reorganized all the drawers. Now the bathrooms are done, and all 3 closets are finished and the dresser is finished. Still, I get frustrated by how much still is left to do, even more now with Christmas coming. And the City is helping me out, too. They're working on the water lines tomorrow, the second day in a row. So, my water will be off again from 8 to 4. No laundry, no dishwasher, and all of J's bottles have to be fixed before then. I mean, if I had to, I could use the cold water we keep in the fridge, and there is some water still stored in the tank, but I'd rather make sure he'll be fed.

I shopped over the last few days, and almost everything there is taken care of. I ordered my nieces and nephew's gifts and they're on the way to Texas and should be there in enough time. Same for the Aunt in Reno. The other 2 Aunts, Grandma and cousins were ordered online and are coming to the house so I can wrap them for when we go to visit at the end of next week.

Tonight was an almost-final run. I got Michael's stuff he wanted to give Celine and some packing supplies to finish the boxes to go to Goodwill and the odds 'n ends I'm sending to my G Girls.

Finally, I sat for a while and went through all my scrapbooking supplies. For some reason, looking at all the pretty paper and stickers makes me really feel good. Then, I realized that I haven't put any of them together. The only scrapbook that I totally finished wasn't even for ME, it was for a friend who was getting married. I'm not sad about it, but I figure if just the supplies make me smile, I would get a lot more joy out of looking at a completed book. Also, I don't want Jensen to be turning, say, 10, and still have an incomplete baby book. If I don't finish his, there's an even greater chance I would never get around to finishing a sibling's book. I've just got to get it together. I'm started, with my little office area, but I need to keep the momentum going.

Unflipped?

2007-12-17T23:06:00.000-05:00

Yaawwn. I was up last night until about 3, then came and took a nap until J woke up at 5, then went back to sleep until he woke again at around 6:30. From there, I was up all day, even though I did lay down for a little bit while he napped. Therefore, I am quite tired and about to crawl under the covers. The good news is that for all of my discomfort being exhausted today, it seems that I have successfully reset my sleeping rhythms and I took advantage of being awake by doing the following:

*took a bath (as opposed to a 5 minute shower)
*put on makeup and clean clothes
*snuggled Lena
*snuggled Jensen
*read him The Velveteen Rabbit, the uncut version (was very emotional-what a great story to revisit at Christmas!)
*showed him flash card of colors and shapes (no pressure, just for fun)
*hung the new curtains for my bedroom
*did laundry
*changed my sheets and made the bed
*made a healthy dinner
*watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
*received J's swing at the door and lugged it up the stairs
*unpacked my suitcase (um, yeah, from Thanksgiving)
*started setting up "my" office in the bedroom
*gathered and taped all of the many, many catalogs floating around my house

And now I am going to bed. A day's work well done, I say.

No fun

2007-12-15T23:43:00.000-05:00

Today was J's second doctor's appointment, for his 2-month checkup. He is doing beautifully, ranking in the 95th percentile for weight AND height. He's now 13.8 lbs and 25 inches long.

Unfortunately, the second checkup also begins the dreaded year-long round of initial vaccinations. He had two today, and I am not looking forward to any others. Not only did he scream the most pathetic, heart-wrenching little cry, he was also fussy and unhappy the whole rest of the day. It's awful to hear him so upset and know that there was nothing I could do about it, and, in fact, aided "them" in doing "it" to him. To be perfectly honest, I knew what was coming and made Michael be the "bad guy." And, kudos to him, he also was the major factor in getting Baby J to settle down later. Both are now totally passed out asleep, leaving Momma to peace and quiet.

Onto to happier news...so many people have said how beautiful Jensen is, which we all know to be totally true, although I may be a bit biased. So, we're going to find out just how biased I am. If the weather isn't horrific tomorrow (we're scheduled to get hit by a N'oreaster) we're going to the mall to take J to see Santa (for which he will wear-what else-his Santa suit!) and have his first round of baby pics taken, as well as our first family photo. After those come back, I'm going to select the best ones, as well as some casual shots, and send them to a few modeling agencies that work with babies. It's really just for fun, and I realise that everyone thinks their baby is adorable. However, I also realise that with the way commerical advertising works (residuals, residuals, residuals!) it's possible that if he only got a couple of ads, it would be possible to have college paid for before he even finished kindergarten. So, no pressure, just keeping fingers crossed for luck. As you can see, he's very easy going.

He loves his baths and tries to eat the bubbles. If we don't lay him back so he can "float" he starts to get fussy. We call this (above) "going stealth." It is one of his favorite activities! (Don't worry, we are very careful! Michael is in the tub with him, holding his head and Michael never goes in the "big tub" with J unless I'm nearby, just in case.)

Flip flop

2007-12-13T03:07:00.000-05:00

Jensen is still good. He was up late last night, due to a little too much napping during the day. I think I have successfully, though unintentionally, flipped most of my day and night hours. I am not going to bed usually until after his 3 am feeding and sleeping on and off until about noon.

I need to flip it back, because now very little is getting done. There is very little motivation at 2 am. But, I still need to prepare for Christmas. We are staying home for Christmas Eve and Day(Jensen's first!) and then will probably go upstate to visit my family. Although I am very happy to go see them again, it also means that we can't go empty handed (not that I would shirk getting them gifts anyway) but everything has to be bought, wrapped and organized asap. I also have to send something to the 3 kiddos in Texas. (I still can't believe I haven't even met Emma, my second niece! She'll be 3!) Well, thank god for the internet. Everything can be done online!

Poof!

2007-12-01T02:19:00.000-05:00

I went to the doctor today for my post-op checkup. I have been declared fit to do whatever, including exercise.

I was happy to discover that my pregnancy weight has disappeared, like magic. Simply giving birth apparently took with it whatever pregnancy had brought on. That doesn't mean that it's not going to take some work to get things closer to normal-my shape has changed a ton, and even with the actual weight gone, my old jeans still don't fit right. But, I am going to work on it. Slowly, carefully, easing back into things.

Michael and I have also been doing some serious talking about our family. Most of you know that he is a bit older than I am, and the idea of being an "old man" (his words, not mine) when the baby is graduating from high school makes him very uneasy. So, if we're going to have others, it will have to be relatively soon. Although I still have a TON to learn about being a mom, I think I could handle two at the same time, if I had some help here and there. The doctor told me I should wait a bit, he said 6 months should be fine, since I'm still pretty young and in decent shape, and then we can start aiming to have another if we want. We're still in talks, and we have at least 6 months to continue discussions without feeling like we're under the gun.

Sigh. Must sleep. Things are good, but busy. Our new washer and dryer have been humming constantly since installed this morning, and then I basically went straight to the doc. He was at the hospital delivering someone else's baby, so I had to wait nearly 2 hours before seeing him. I am glad the day is over. I. Am. So. Tired.

Besides that, having it be tomorrow means it's Amy day!!

Baby bunting

2007-11-29T01:17:00.000-05:00

It's still taking time to get used to being a mom. That, and with still recovering from surgery, the holidays coming, the fact that our dryer died last week and a new unit won't come until Friday and that Amy is coming Saturday (YAY) things are nonstop.

Tonight I ran errands without my boy. He stayed home with Daddy so I could go without worrying about him being upset. I went to Babies R Us and returned some items and came back with others. Then, I went next door to Modell's and got a new pair of sneakers. I am going to start walking soon, and my old Sketchers have really had it. Then, I went further next door (all in the same outdoor mall) and got the baby a hat and mittens and a fleece bunting at Old Navy. Finally, I headed to Target to finish up. There, I only ended up with a sugar dispenser and a gallon of milk, but anyway...

Baby J is doing well. We're all looking forward to his first Christmas, cuz his First Thanksgiving was really memorable. We went upstate and had dinner with my family, then spent 2 days with some friends of Michael's and on the way back home saw my family again. Aunt Sandy and Dawn were fantastic with Jensen and had a great time making faces at him. However, I don't really look forward to spending the night away from home with him again. He was great during the day, but the nights were really hard. He kinda freaked out and was up a LOT. We almost went home early, but decided to stick it out. I am glad we went, though. I've learned a lot about what I'll need to do next time....

Now that we're home and settled in again, I'm getting geared up to send holiday cards. We're going to get our photo taken soon, and then I'll send everything out. Can't wait for all of you to get to see more of Jensen!

Success?

2007-11-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

Jensen is five weeks old as of as of Sunday. It is already hard to clearly remember a time when we weren't thinking about, talking about, or dealing with the baby.

He is now eating and sleeping a little more predictably. I wouldn't really say a schedule yet, but it's easier to tell about when he'll be hungry depending on when he was fed last. We've been putting him to bed around 11, because that's when he seemed most sleepy, but we're learning to manipulate some things. So, we've discovered that:

1. Babies can't tell time. They depend on what happens or how they feel to tell them what needs to happen when....like bedtime. We're working more consistently on actually having a routine and having that routine start and end at around the same time each night.

2. He loves, loves, loves baths. We put him in the whirlpool tub with Michael and a few capfuls of the Johnson's bedtime bath and they have a great time. He likes to float and to be bobbed up and down in the water. It is fantastic to watch.

3. A warm bottle does wonders. Usually during the day I only warm the bottle enough to take the chill off, as I'm sure that at some point we'll be somewhere that I can't make it really warm and I want him to eat anyway. But, at bedtime, I make it nice and warm and try to get him to eat an extra ounce, sometimes two, to tide him over until about 3 am.

4. Blankies retain heat. Conner taught me this one. To avoid the catastrophe of him being pretty passed out, only to have him wake up hysterical 2 cm from his mattress because he can no longer feel my body heat, I've started wrapping him in his blankie before the bottle. Then he can fall asleep from the comfort and when I put him down, he continues to consistently be warm.

Tonight we moved all of these things up by about 45 minutes, and, like magic, he was asleep by 10:15. Here's hoping he's still out until 3 or later.

New Life

2007-11-20T01:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was kind of a realization day. We have a new life in our lives. I know, I know, it seems like a "duh" kind of statement, but yesterday I was quite struck by the responsibility I now have thrust upon me. How this kiddo turns out-successful, happy, kind, spiritual-or not-is largely the result of how I bring him up. So, I have been thinking about how I want to do that. So, I am understanding in a big way that I need to change some major things in my life.

First, I don't want him to grow up in clutter, like I did. Conner gave me a good start and a large amount of inspiration in that respect. I remember being so frustrated at never feeling like I could have my friends over. After we moved to Texas, I never had a birthday gathering at home, even though we actually had a really nice house and a great backyard. And I remember bring frustrated at continually being told to clean my room while the rest of the house was drowning in junk. And finally, I have been frustrated by trying to purge and sort that junk now that my parents are gone. I would much rather have Jensen have less toys and less clothes and more memories.

Second, I want him to be active. This probably won't be a problem with having a coach for a dad, but I want to be involved, too. I used to be really active, but I need to get back in the groove. I want Jensen to have healthy exercise habits, so much so that he considers it such an everyday part of life that he can't imagine not going out to play or run or just jump around. Building that into his life will not only keep him physically healthy, but as he gets older, help him find people who will have similar interests, have a positive way to relieve stress, teach him sportsmanship, and help him attact a woman who will also be more likely to be physically and mentally healthy.

Thirdly, going along with the above, I want to model and teach good eating habits. I don't want him to think that Mommy is continually "on a diet." I'd much rather just eat well, and with incorporating more exercise, get and stay trim.

I also want to show him spirituality. Everyone is going to have to wander a bit to find their own way and figure out what they believe, but I want him to grow up within a group of spiritually strong adults so he has a firm basis to infuse the other ideas that he chooses to accept. Having a grounded faith will serve him both as a foundation when life is tough and be a reason for celebration when things are good.

Finally, (at least this is my "finally" for now) I want him to be gracious. I think this includes a lot of things, which is why I love that word. For me, my son being gracious includes respect - for elders, parents, authority figures, others in general, and himself. It also includes knowing how to speak in a kind manner and consequently, knowing when it is best to say nothing. It means knowing not only that it's important to treat a lady like a lady, but also how. I am determined to raise a gentleman, to the best of my ability.

I now understand that in order to accomplish this, I need to be as much of a model of this kind of life as I am able to be. I think I have a lot of this within me, but putting it all together
is going to take some thoughtful organizing on my part. So, one smaller goal at a time, I am looking forward to being the best example for my baby as possible.

Here's to Mommas everywhere that are all doing their best!

Productivity

2007-11-19T01:20:00.000-05:00

Today was a busy day.

We went to church, where I got to spend an uninterrupted hour with Jensen in the nursery, since it was my day to "work." There is also another little boy who is 9 months old and a little girl who is probably about a year and a half. They are both very interested in the baby and come to peek at him through the mesh on the pack 'n play they bought just for the "little kids." (For the record, J is the only one little enough not to be out in the room playing, so it made us feel special that it was essentially gotten just for him.)

Then we went out to lunch with friends from the congregation. It was very comfortable and feels great to be out and about making our relationships with other couples stronger.

After that, we went home and I got my stuff together to run some errands. I went to the laundrymat, since our dryer died and won't be replaced until Wednesday. The baby needed clean clothes-boy, does that boy go through laundry-and I just didn't want it to get way out of control.

Finally, I went grocery shopping for the next couple of days, as we're going to my Aunt Sandy's for Thanksgiving, but had no food in the house. I also shopped for Michael's Dad and dropped that off before coming home just in time to put Jensen down for bed and put away the groceries. It is now very late, especially for those already sleep deprived, so I am going to bed!

1 month

2007-11-14T19:12:00.000-05:00

Today Jensen is a month old. In a lot of ways, time has flown. I can't believe he's so big already! He's been to church, out shopping, and to a big birthday party for his grandpa in his 4 short weeks.

On the other hand, I still look at him and think that I am amazed that he was inside me, and I was carrying him around that way. It is especially mind-blowing after a long stretch of carrying him around now that he's on the outside.

Overall, he's a pretty laid-back kiddo. Sure, we have the time between about 6 and 10 where he's sorta fussy, and he'll cry "just cus," but mostly right now, he's asleep or he's awake and pretty happy.

And that makes Momma pretty happy.

Also having her friends around makes Momma happy. Conner came up for a few days and was an amazing help. She not only helped give me a fantastic start on organizing the house, but also modeled being a mom, and took most of my turns getting up the the middle of the night so I could sleep. I was lucky enough to have all that "at home" time with her, but we also got to go to Target for several hours, out to a lovely dinner with Janice, and spend an evening in Manhattan walking around to see Times Square and Rockefeller Center.

Being a new mom is definitely a challenge, but with friends like I have, I know I've got support to get through the tough parts successfully and share the joy of the good parts.

I'm really fortunate that Amy is coming in about 2 weeks to help also. I am so lucky to have such a great group of gal pals!

Still adjusting

2007-11-06T10:29:00.000-05:00

Things are going well.

Jensen had his first big day out Sunday. We went to church, where he was dubbed the "prayed for baby." As it happens, Michael had been keeping our church family aware of the progress of my labor. Most knew I had gone in on Friday afternoon, so Sunday morning, they were expecting an announcement of the new arrival. When the pastor instead revealed that Jensen still hadn't come out yet, they said a prayer together. That was at 11:10 Sunday morning. One minute later in our hospital OR, Jensen was delivered. He was quite the hit at church, as many of the congregants feel like they were, in a special way, involved in his coming into the world.

After that we went for a quick shopping trip to get a gift for Michael's dad, who turned 90 this weekend. We stopped at home to regroup for a bit, then headed to the party, where Jensen again stole the show. He was quickly passed around from person to person, all of whom were newly introduced relatives. It was great to see how much they accepted the baby and there were lots of promises of keeping in touch and future visits.

Yesterday was kind of a bust. I think all of the excitement from the day before threw Jensen off, and he was fussy and didn't want to sleep most of the day. Last night at 10:30 I finally strapped him into his car seat (Michael had taken the car for work, so it wasn't possible to do this too much earlier) and took Jen for a ride around the neighborhood. We got home at around 11, and he slept soundly until 3 am.

Today it looks like things are closer to the "schedule" than before, and he's already taking what I hope will be the first of several naps.

Besides that, I am very excited that I'll be welcoming Conner to NYC this weekend. YAY!

Happy birthday!

2007-10-28T20:37:00.000-05:00

Jensen is two weeks old today!

And so I continue his story from the day he was born...

After a few days in the NICU for abnormally low blood sugar level, Jensen was brought to room in with me at the hospital. He was quite a screamer, as we were trying to teach him to breastfeed after several days of being bottle fed by hospital workers.

Things are much better on that front, and he now switches back and forth between breastfeeding and bottles since he is hungry all the time.

We are adjusting to life at home, which is sometimes great, sometimes really, really stressful.

We are lucky that we've had several people come by to bring food or watch the baby for a few hours while I take a nap.

The doula has also been here for a few days. I have one paid day left, so I am saving it until the end of the week, when I will probably be the most sleep deprived.

Michael is doing well as a dad and is really helpful most of the time, letting me sleep and taking shifts on feeding and diaper duty.

As a final bonus, here is one of the only pictures of me hugely pregnant:

I don't know why I was so suprised that he was so BIG!

The White Flag

2007-10-23T02:31:00.001-05:00

Even though there's a lot to tell, I'm pretty tired, so it'll probably come in bits and pieces over the next few days.

On Friday, several hours after my water broke, we finally headed to the hospital. We didn't go right away because I still wasn't having contractions, and we knew they would try really hard to speed things along. Also, I tested negative for Strep B, so I wasn't worried about infection, and I knew not to get in the tub after my water had broken.

We got to the hospital around 10:30. Still, no contractions, and I was still only "fingertip" dialated. They inserted a pill that was supposed to help soften my cervix so it would begin to dialate.

Patty showed up not too long after that. My contractions finally started, and we worked through them using our natural methods, like taking hot showers, rocking on a birth ball, walking the hallways, and hypnotherapy.

They checked me again several hours later, and I was only 3 cm. They started talking about Pitocin. I convinced them to let me wait a few hours later to dialate further on my own, because I knew Pitocin would basically wreck any real plan of having a natural pain management experience. At this time, I had already labored overnight and most of Saturday. At 6 pm, I was checked again, and still only gotten to 3 1/2 cm. I was told they really had to give the Pitocin since I wasn't progressing on my own. I was, of course, upset that things were not going the way I had wanted, so I did take a few more minutes to allow myself to be sad and cry a bit, because I saw this as the real point where things were going to turn.

After the Pitocin was given, I was also hooked up to a saline IV, which almost immediately made my hands and feet begin to swell. I could barely bend my fingers, they were so engorged with fluid. I continued to labor naturally for some time, and to be honest, I really have no clear idea how long it was. The contractions became much closer together and much more painful. The whole experience is now a really big blur. Patty told me that she thinks I labored naturally through about 3 hours on Pitocin.

Finally, I gave in and asked for epidural. Of course, the hospital was glad to comply, as they had now been waiting for me to deliver this child for more than 24 hours. The epidural really did help a lot, but it wasn't exactly heaven, either. Most people have heard that sometimes an epidural doesn't always "take" on both sides. Mine had a similar effect-it had what is referred to as a "window." There was only one part of my body that felt the complete, unrelieved pain. That happened to be my left butt cheek. I know, that sounds funny, but if you've ever had a charly horse in your calf, and then multiply it by 100, you'll know how I felt. The Pitocin was still on, so there was not really a break between contractions, and there was not really a way to relieve the pain. The staff told me to try to sleep, as there was nothing I could do until I was fully dialated, and then I would need all my energy to push.

I slept for a while, although I woke up every 2 or 3 minutes-with each new contraction. Finally, at around 5 am Sunday morning, they told me I was "10 plus" cm dialated, and that it was time to push. Patty tells me that I pushed for nearly 4 hours, although mainly what I remember is holding onto the railing of the bed yelling at her that it was impossible for the baby to come out that way.

And in reality, it turns out I was right. I was taken in for a C-section after approximately 40 hours of labor. By that time, I was so exhaused, both from the emotions and the physical work and the fact that I hadn't had solid food since Friday, that I actually fell asleep during the surgery.

Jensen Michael Cigala was born at 11:11 am on Sunday, October 14, weighing a whopping 11.1 pounds and measuring 38 cm. His big 'ol head, which wouldn't fit through my pelvis, has a circumfrence of 55.5 cm. And it is totally covered with the finest, most golden blonde hair. He looks like a surfer baby!

More on our adventure later, and pictures to come also.

Pop

2007-10-12T17:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, kids, it's about that time! After a whole week of waiting past the expected arrival date, the baby is finally on his way.

I took a long nap today (thank goodness!) and when I got up, I heard a popping sound and then felt fluid coming out of me. For the record, I still haven't had any contractions yet, so it still might be quite a while of waiting.

I've already called our doula and the OB, and we're gathering last minute stuff and getting ready to head to the hospital. We'll send out the phone announcement ASAP after Jensen makes his appearance.

Love you all, and keep us in your prayers!

Backing off

2007-10-12T06:53:00.001-05:00

Sigh.

Things are back to overdue normal. The backache has disappeared and there are now no contractions in sight.

All there is to do now is go back to waiting. Maybe he'll want to show up at lunch. :)

Signs? Dunno...

2007-10-12T00:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I might be in the early, early stages of labor.

No noticeable contractions yet, but as the non-stress test from yesterday showed that I was already having small contractions....

I am having a low, dull backache again, this time has been going for several hours without letting up. I called my doula, and over the phone she actually told me that it is possible for a woman to be in the earliest stages of labor for a week or two before the big show starts. This explains those stories you hear of women who walked around for a week or so being a centimeter or two dilated or whatever. So, she thinks it's possible that my body HAS been in labor - probably since the full moon when I wrote about having those other random symptoms.

I also feel PMS-y. I've a couple of menstrual-like cramps, but only a couple, and so far, only on one side. Hahaha. Explain that...

To top things off, I went ahead and made plans to have lunch with two wonderful ladies from church tomorrow. Personally, I subscribe to the theory where if you are really hungry and go out to eat, the most likely way to get the meal to come is to get up and leave the table and go to the ladies room. In other words, I think that since I now have something more fun to do then sit around and wait for him, Jensen will probably take that opportunity to come. Again, I laugh.

I'm going to go take a nice long bath now and see if contractions start or if, heading the other way, my back feels better.

If contractions do start, there's a good chance I'll be up most of the night, especially since I took a nice long nap earlier today, so there might be another post or two before morning.

Another new plan

2007-10-11T03:33:00.001-05:00

Well, I went for my testing and everything is fine.

The non-stress test was actually kind of enjoyable. I was put in a bed and had two monitors strapped to my tummy. One "watched" me, and the other was for Jensen. Then, you wait. The one for me told the nurses that I am actually having contractions, they're just very little and not totally consistent. The one for Jensen told them that he isn't having any physical problems, like a lowered heartrate, as his body responds to the contractions. Overall, they pronounced him "perfect." It was cool to be able to see the tape that showed both of us at the same time, but even better was when I started to fall asleep, the nurse encouraged me to take a nap and even turned out the lights for me.

Then, I went to another room and had another sonogram. He checked the amount of amniotic fluid around the baby, which was again billed as "perfect." Then he wanted to check his size/ This is where this gets interesting. I had a sonogram 3 weeks ago, and they told me that they believed Jensen was about 7 lbs. Well, low and behold, today they have totally changed their tune and are telling me that he's "now" 10 lbs, maybe more. (Um, how does a baby gain a lb a week when I haven't changed any of my eating habits?) When I told the doctor that really surprised me based on the previous sonogram, he actually started to backpedal and said that maybe the last sonogram didn't include the weight of Jensen's head, because sometimes they just leave that part out. After some more conversation, he reconfigured his idea and is now claiming he could be anywhere between 8 and 10. Since I've only put on 25 lbs total, I'm not going to stress too much over how big he could be, especially since sonograms are still not such an exact science. I have been routinely told that they could be off as much as 2 lbs, which is a big difference when you're talking about a baby!

When I thought I was all done, the sonogram doctor told me that he was going to call my regular OB and that I should conference with him by phone right then. He actually told me that he didn't want me to leave the hospital unless he knew that I was going straight to my OB's office. I did think that was a little weird, since he's pretty much told me everything was good...but okay.
I ended up going to my OB's office, where he just confirmed the results I'd just had and we decided on yet another game plan for having this baby come out.

Since everything is fine so far, we're going to give him until the end of the week. If no baby by Saturday afternoon, I'll go into the hospital for induction. That gives him time to prove my theory that his due date was off by a week anyway, and gives me a definite light at the end of the tunnel to being pregnant.

+4 and a half

2007-10-10T04:56:00.000-05:00

I have an appointment today at 11 for a sonogram and a stress test. Even if he's doing fine, they'll probably go ahead and recommend that he gets medically persuaded into coming out. I'm still hoping and praying that he decides to make an appearance of his own free will. We'll see what the tests say and then make a decision from there.

Most of the books and websites that I've looked at say that it's perfectly normal to have a baby grow into a 41st week of pregnancy, but that around the 42nd week it starts to be progressively less healthy. Of course, that's assuming that the 42nd week is the actual 42nd week, and not a guess.

Whatever is going on with him, he's starting to seriously impact my physical abilities. Up until the last few days, I've actually been okay with most of the complaints of pregnancy. Of course, it was no picnic, but it wasn't so, so bad. Now, it is bad. My tummy gets in the way of everything, and I can't bend directly over the sink to brush my teeth or wash my hands anymore (I stand sideways and lean in that way). I also run into doorknobs on a regular basis, and the corners of the backs of my dining chairs poke me a lot more than they used to.

After my marathon shopping walk the other day, I never totally got back to where I was physically, and I pretty much have to lay down and slide across the seat to get in and out of the car. Turning over in bed has become its own Olympic event that has had me near tears on a couple of attempts.

Adding all of this to the fact that in order for me to 1)leave or enter the house 2)go to the bathroom or 3)start, switch, or retrieve a load of laundry I have to climb a flight of stairs, I have gotten to a point where even just hanging out at home is just barely tolerable.

So, the ending to the story is that I am somewhere around 99% sure that by the end of the week I'll be posting that I have had the baby. Whether that is because the doctor said he had to come out, or he comes out on his own, or his momma says it's time to come out seems to be the only part of this scenario that remains to be seen.

Twiddling thumbs

2007-10-08T12:03:00.000-05:00

I called the hospital testing unit to arrange another sonogram, but nobody answered the phone. My theory is that is would be a waste of time to go all the way there, spending cab money, then to find out they either can't fit me in, OR that to fit me would take several hours in uncomfortable chairs waiting.

So, I left a message and hopefully they will call be back so I can get an appointment tomorrow. Baby seems to be doing well, as he is still busily twirling around in there.

After yesterday's long walk, I still feel a bit like I did after having a personal training session for the first time-like I've been hit by a truck! Not sure exactly how that came about, because I really have been pretty active, especially for this far along. I don't think I'm so far out of shape that my walk should've been so difficult. I've come to the conclusion that Baby J is manipulating my sciatic nerve yet again, because the pain is similar to what I've been used to, only it's now shooting down the other side of my leg.

I've already soaked in a bath for about an hour, and my plan for the rest of the day is to watch movies and keep my feet up. And in that regard, Conner, thank you again for the Crocs-they have saved my life. They are now the ONLY shoes my poor sausage feet will fit into and therefore, I wear them with everything. Not kidding. Everything.

Will post more either when I have news or am bored my not having news.

+2

2007-10-08T01:05:00.000-05:00

Another day, another waiting game.

We did the walking thing...went to TJ Maxx, Target, and Babies R Us. Sheesh, am I tired. My back started to ache again, but this time, I think it was just all the walking.

I'm hoping labor may be close, tho. I think I got my nesting urge and I cleaned the kids' room. I'm actually not quite done, but it's a lot better. I also think it's possible that baby sensed I wasn't quite ready, but he's been really active the last few hours, so maybe he's gearing up to make an appearance.

However, if he STILL doesn't show, we'll be heading to the hospital for that other sonogram tomorrow.

I still, even tho I am very uncomfortable, would like to wait a few more days before being induced. Since they weren't able to be totally 100% on his conception date, and what they said actually didn't match with my journal, I think he may still be right on time if he comes this week. We'll see what happpens.

+1

2007-10-06T23:16:00.000-05:00

One full day past the due date.

Still waiting....

Not doing anything special, just puttering around, wondering about very little twinge, "Could this be it, finally?" Then realizing, um, nope. Not yet.

Come and gone

2007-10-05T23:56:00.000-05:00

My due date, that is.

We went to the doc's office again today as scheduled, since Jensen didn't seem to want to come out before the appointment. :)

He did another internal exam, and I am a whopping "fingertip" dilated (apparently this translates to "just barely") and 60% effaced.

We had a long conversation about inducement, with the deciding compromise to be that if Baby J has not appeared in the outside world by the end of the weekend, we'll go the hospital on Monday for another sonogram and then have another discussion based on those results. He is still convinced that I'm diabetic and says he is concerned that the baby will get too big to deliver without a C-section.

So, we did what we thought was normal after hearing this news...we went to the health food store and got some Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, which, depending on what you read, will help "tone the uterus" and help it to "contract more effectively." Hhhmmm. Honestly, I dunno, but raspberry tea sounds a helluva lot better than pitocin!

We purposely parked a long way from the store, so getting there and back was a pretty long walk. Then, to relax, we went to see a movie (The Heartbreak Kid---not fantastic, sorry) and then to a really beautiful Italian dinner at a new place near the theatre called Cinema Paradiso.

We're back at home now, and Michael has agreed to give me a hypno-massage to get me in the mood to have a baby. I've been having BH contractions for several hours straight, so there's at least a chance that at some point they'll start helping me "progress" and we'll have to start thinking about going to the hospital.

If you're reading this, think productive thoughts for us, please!!

Gearing up to go??

2007-10-04T10:43:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a pretty prolonged backache, with some mild tightening in my tummy. However, nothing was consistent enough to try to time, and really, I wouldn't have been able to tell when one "contraction" would have started and stopped. This went on for about 2 hours, but I'm supposing that it was false labor, since I still don't have a baby. :)

Most of the books say that if contractions start at night to try and sleep through them, which is what ended up happening, and when I woke up today, everything was back to late pregnancy normal.

We'll see what happens again today...

Distractions

2007-10-03T21:28:00.000-05:00

So, we went and had brunch at IHOP, which was very, very good. I had cinnamon apple pancakes and Michael had eggs and bacon. All were happy!

At brunch, Michael mentioned wanting to get his hair done, so we did that.

Then, we went to the movies and saw Game Plan. Sugary-sweet but actually not a bad film.

After that was a quick trip to the grocery store where we got a few staples, and then headed home.

Now we're sitting around watching Dirty Sexy Money.

Still waiting for a baby...

Brunch

2007-10-03T11:33:00.001-05:00

Okay, since I haven't been talking about anything except waiting (and how fun can that be to read about?) I am going to now mention food. Yum.

We are about to go out for brunch, with my vote being for IHOP. Then, (again, way fun to read about) we're going to go to the grocery store and Target for supplies.

Everything for Jensen is about as ready as it can be. I keep packing and unpacking my "bag o tricks" because can't stand my ipod, camera, and cell phone being put away, but I'm also paranoid that I'll forget them. Pregnancy brain is a true disease, people! A pregnant woman's brain really and honestly does shrink in size only to regain its former stature several weeks after the little one comes. This is really why they tell you it's not a great idea for a brand new mom to drive herself anywhere for a while. The ability to focus is just about nonexistant.

For the rest of today, I will (drumrolllll, please) attempt to accomplish something besides sitting around. For this, I will have to make a list, which honestly, may end up being the accomplishment all by itself. :)

Good day, and TTFN!

Anything left to say?

2007-10-03T00:26:00.000-05:00

Blah.

Still waiting, still uncomfortable, still unable to sleep.

Wish there was more to say. Instead, I'm just trying to pass the hours and hopefully get some housework done, one small step at a time. It's been nearly impossible to sleep for more than about an hour at a time over the last few days. Last night, I woke up around 3 and watched tv for 2 and a half hours before finally getting back to bed. I guess it's training for when the baby comes.

Beached whale

2007-10-02T11:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know that only 5% of babies are born on their due dates. I'm fine with that. It just surprises me how amazingly uncomfortable this last week has been. It would seem to me that Jensen would get tired of being all stuffed up in my tummy and want to stretch out a bit.

However, apparently, I'm wrong.

So, I am still sitting around, with occassional bouts of walking, waiting for him to change his mind. Over the last few days I have gotten increasingly less friendly to Michael, but he has been really good. He asked me how I'm feeling, and when I went down the whole laundry list, from swollen fingers (still) to heartburn waking me up about every hour I try to sleep, he was wonderfully sympathetic and since has been fixing all the meals, carrying all the laundry, helping me in and out of the car (which is torture, by the way) and in general, being very, very good.

Maybe Jensen should stay in there, after all. :)

Tryin' to bring it on

2007-09-30T18:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, not doing anything excessive or crazy, I just

1) Went for a long walk today-supposed to help baby move further down into the birth canal
2) Took a couple of really nice naps- in case labor started, I wanted an attempt at being rested
3) Soaked in the tub for an hour- I read somewhere that if Mom is stressed, baby may not wanna face the world
4) Went shopping at Target to get a stability ball- helped me feel more prepared, and maybe baby would, too
5) Rubbed baby thru Momma's tummy-perhaps he's just nervous?
6) Overall, had a very nice, calm day-and if labor strikes, all the better!!

7) Now I'm going to sit and watch Chicago on DVD. Maybe he'll feel like dancing...

More later!

Tick, tock, tick, tock

2007-09-30T00:10:00.000-05:00

I guess you can tell that means I'm still waiting...

Jensen is still very active and having a great time kicking me in my right side. I've been trying to sleep a lot, cuz I am extremely tired. Even after a good 4 hour nap, I think I'm ready to go back to bed for the night.

Everything, from getting up from the couch to getting in and out of the bathtub challenging now, so I really wouldn't mind having my body be uninhabited sometime in the near future.

Okay, trying to go get some rest. Who knows when the countdown will be over...

Ummm, nope

2007-09-28T23:39:00.000-05:00

Went to the doctor today and had an exam. I'm not dialated yet, but the doc says the party could be started any time now.

If I haven't gone into labor by next Friday (my due date) we'll have a discussion about how long to wait before he wants to have my labor induced. He says he's concerned because of my status as diabetic and says it's not good for the baby to go too far past my due date with that condition. But, we'll deal with all that when it happens.

Personally, I hope things get going pretty soon. Something in the last day or two has changed and it is a LOT harder to do even the normal things that I've been doing the whole time I've been pregnant. I can barely get out of the car, up the stairsm or even into bed without considerable effort and, well, not to complain too much, without a lot more pain than I'd like. The only place I'm really comfortable at all anymore is in the bath.

So, hopefully sooner than later I'll be posting a more rousing update!

Who'd a thunk it?

2007-09-27T20:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, so still no baby...but, as I was searching for images to put on a "natural childbirth" sign for our hospital room door, I did come across this interesting article:

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Moons-Effect-on-Natural-Childbirth&id=70253

Turns out that the author discovered that the moon really does have an effect on labor and delivery and it appears that it's possible that the moon pulls on the waters of the baby's amniotic sac just like the waters of the ocean. Turns out a lot of women have false labor or labor symptoms on or around the full moon. HHHmmmm.

Better?

2007-09-27T11:54:00.000-05:00

I am feeling better-no more nausea or acid reflux since last night. I'm guessing that's a good thing, although I know longer know how that fits with the idea that the aforementioned symptoms could have been considered the early signs of labor. All I do know is that I was so dehydrated from everything coming out of me that I ended up drinking 3 and a half bottles of gatorade--the big 32 oz bottles. And since we got them at 7-11, we even got a snack of 2 hot dogs each. That could have been a tragic decision, considering my digestive difficulties lately, but everything was okay and I went to bed finally feeling neither hungry, thirsty, or sick.

I have not, for the record, gotten the "big burst" of energy that can also signal the beginning of labor, otherwise known as the nesting instinct, but I have gotten some sense in my head. Seeing as how labor is now possibly any time now, I am starting to get together hospital stuff, since it has been spread all around the house, and washing the clothes that I am planning to take with me.

I guess the last thing on the list is to hope that Michael makes the same realizations, and soon. He still has yet to give me phone numbers for the phone tree or addresses for the announcements. Mine are all done, thank you very much, and I even went ahead and typed the labels for the announcements, and all they have to do is be peeled and stuck onto the envelopes.

I suppose that's all the news for now. It's a little weird, as I certainly didn't want to feel sick anymore, but since I thought it was a sign of labor, to not be sick AND not having sure signs of labor makes me feel like I've gone backwards....

Still nothing

2007-09-26T19:44:00.000-05:00

Except feeling icky and sick. I spent most of the day either on the couch or in bed.

I don't know that I still feel totally ready for this little one to come out, but if the choice is between that and continuing to feel all gross and sickly, then I'd rather him come out.

I'm doing a final synch on my ipod to include the relaxation cd we've been working with for hypnosis and collecting the things that I want to go with me to the hospital but hadn't wanted to pack away yet. Included there are my digital camera, ipod speakers, and toiletry kit.

Since contractions haven't started, when Michael gets home from his church committee meeting, I'll probably persuade him to take me to the grocery store to stock up on snacks, since I already ate everything we had intended to take to the hospital. (It was really good, btw-apple chips and gatorade and some power bars-yum.)

So, since everything is still wait, watch and see, I'll post updates if and when I can! Kinda hoping he feels ready to come tonight OR that this icky feeling passes. Either thing would make me really happy!

Not yet

2007-09-26T12:00:00.000-05:00

No official labor signs yet, although on the could be/wait and see/what if set of symptoms, I've really felt like crap for the last day and a half. Several websites list having a flu-like experience as something that may be a sign for the onset of labor, although you really don't know anything until actual contractions start. So, I'm waiting. I've felt really tired, nauseated, heartburn (again), gas, emotional and kind of like I did before I would have started my period. Michael and I are considering ourselves on baby watch and have no real plans to go more than 15 or 20 minutes from the house anytime in the next week or so.

Since I don't have a ton of energy, don't be surprised to see several more posts about basically nothing!!

Rock hard tummy

2007-09-24T22:20:00.000-05:00

Ah, I only wish it was what it sounded like! Wouldn't it be great to be the newest success story for a fitness infomercial?

But no, it's just that now not only does my belly look like I've got a basketball under my shirt, it feels like it, too. The good news is that he's dropped, sometimes called lightening (although I can tell you, he still feels heavy to me...) which means that the heartburn I've had almost constantly for the last month has actually let up. Well, instead of heartburn, it's back to being really gassy. TMI? Too bad.

I've been wearing jammies for 2 days now and will probably be ending up at the hospital in jammies,too. Why not? Even some of my pregnany dresses are starting to be uncomfortable around the "waistline" (right under my boobs). I think it's kinda interesting, too, that I've gone up several bra sizes circumfrence-wise, but even with that, I can be comfortable wearing a bra in the morning, but by afternoon, I want to take it off. Maybe I'm swelling. Dunno.

Still trying hard to get stuff done. I suppose my nesting instinct has kicked in (finally!) but I'm still really, really tired. After about a half and hour of work, I end up taking a nap, pretty much wherever I am. Today it was on the bed, surrounded by baskets to separate Jensen's stuff into.

I also got address labels and started entering information-that way I don't have to 1)wait until the envelopes come in, although they should be here by Friday and 2) don't have to worry about ruining envelopes with my crazy brain damaged writing. Just pop the labels on and go!

And, I'm done with my snappybaby list, I think. All of the people I'm interested in having called are entered and just waiting for me to record the birth information after it happens. Yay me!

Also, I called Queens College and am working on all the emails I need to send out to get things going to finish my degree (1 more class!) and renew my teaching certification. Since I kinda fell off the face of the Earth when it comes to classes, I have to plead my case and swear I'll be a good girl for that last semester.

Okay, last thought for the day: I think Lena knows something is up. If I didn't know better, I'd say she knows she's not gonna be "the" baby anymore. She's usually the neediest out of my furbabies, but even for her, it was excessive to demand in my face snuggling 5 times today. I let her, as even if she isn't aware of the soon-to-change situation, I am, and I want to make sure all of the kitties know how much I love them and that Jensen doesn't take that away. If I can help it, I don't want them to be jealous-I want them to love Jensen, too.

Mommy-brain is making me feel fried, and I think I need to relax. Off to take a bubble bath!

Itchy, squirmy

2007-09-23T00:03:00.000-05:00

There is something about being pregnant that has changed my body chemistry so that it's really appealing to mosquitos. It was wonderfully cool outside the other night, so we decided to open the balcony door to let the air in. Unfortunately, we realized too late that we had also let in a bunch of bugs. At first, I thought I had avoided bites, but after we went to bed and then woke up the next morning, I discovered that I had been bitten literally from head to toe. Argh.

On top of that, the skin on my belly is pretty much stretched to the max, which interestingly not only itches, but is really sensitive when I try to rub or scratch it. So, I am off to take an Aveeno bath to try to relieve my itchiness. Sigh.

The squirminess, naturally, is the little dolphin I have trying out his flips and turns inside my belly. He's been hanging out on my right side most of the day, so I've felt a bit lopsided. Then, he finally moved, and it really does look like a little dolphin fin moving across my tummy. Coincidently, it also looks like he really likes it when I take a bath. He gets really active when I'm in the water.

If he decides to come on his due date, I've got 1 week and 4 and a half days to go!

Bits and pieces

2007-09-21T02:05:00.000-05:00

Things are starting to come together.

I went to the hospital for another sonogram, to determine the size of the baby. It's interesting to me that they use this method as a way to make medical decisions before labor begins, since a sonogram can be up to a 1 1/2 lbs off in either direction. Anyway, as of today, the medically produced guess says Jensen is now 7 lbs, 3 oz. We will see.

Michael and I met again with our labor and delivery doula, as well as her backup and the owner of the agency, who was using the appointment to model how she'd like prenatal conferences done for her group. Our doula is an experienced professional, but new to the company. Everything was really straightforward, and at this point, it was just mainly her listing choices she suggested thinking about. As we went through the list, it seemed pretty clear that we'd already done that. Still, it's always good to be reminded of what our options are.

We had met them in the lobby of the hospital, so when we were ready for the sonogram, all we had to do was go upstairs. It just so happened that our OB had 2 patients go into labor today, so he actually said hello and took us on a personal tour of the labor and delivery center. Nothing flashy, but nice enough for a hospital. We are planning to stay at home as long as possible, so not having a cozy room at the maternity center isn't such a big deal. I just think now I will work a little harder to make sure that I take some things that really make me happy, like photos of my friends and my kitties, as well as my own clothes. We visited the 2 women laboring today as we sneaked a peak at their rooms (with their ok, of course) and I was really struck by how impersonal the partners were acting toward their wives. The women both had already had epidurals and were therefore confined to bed, but for the most part, the guys were just watching tv as their partners were dealing with labor. Since the pain was managed, the guys didn't seem to think they had a responsibility to do anything. I mean, talk to her, comfort her, play a game, hold her hand, something. Just because physical pain has dissipated doesn't mean she couldn't use some emotional soothing. I imagine that even without physical pain, labor has the distinct possibility of being emotionally challenging - it's such a life changing event! To go through it without my partner even talking to me because he's too busy watching tv, even though he's in the room with me seems really barbaric.

Michael may have his moments, but he's committed to being a birthing partner for this child. And if he turns out to be a dud, I've already told him if he won't be involved or useful, then he can go sit outside. I have no need for someone to sit quietly and just watch me do the work. If you're not involved, I honestly don't need an audience instead. Naturally, I'm planning ahead for this, and packing things that can be used as distractions from pain and keep Michael focused on me.

I'm so glad I got to see people actually going through this process. I realize my birth plan may not be perfect, or even if it was that it may not work out that way, but this also helped me solidify my ideas for what Michael's part should include to help me consider this a successful partnership experience. In that way, I can also now give him specific directives so that he feels like he is giving me what I need, when I need it, and he doesn't end up feeling like he has nothing to do.

What am I, a Duck?

2007-09-18T21:34:00.000-05:00

So, time is still ticking down, whether or not I feel or actually am ready for this baby to come. I had quite a productive morning, and scheduled the aforementioned extra sonogram, had a phone session with the nutritionist, and scheduled the last prenatal visit with my labor doula. After all that, I went for a 20 minute walk, got the mail and went through the car looking for my wallet (I am pretty sure it's in my possession, I just can't remember where I put it.)

Then, I conked out for pretty much the rest of the day.

Oops.

When I finally did wake up, several hours later, I went for a second walk (yay me!) and made some phone calls. However, it is harder to walk than I expect for longer times, and I definitely have that "pregnancy waddle." Pretty soon you'll be seeing a line of duckings behind me thinking I'm their momma. I guess I'd better warn them to look out for the cats!

On a final note for today, thanks to my Getaway Girls, who have been more helpful than they probably realize. Knowing that I can turn to ya'll, through phone, email, text, whatever, makes this whole process a lot easier. I love you!

Venting

2007-09-17T13:41:00.000-05:00

I'm trying, I really, really am. Sometimes I am just. so. tired.

The emotions are running high, and the physical energy level is running low. I have some great girls that I can turn to to be great examples of gettin' it done, but even that isn't workin for me today. All I want is to go back to sleep, but right now, takin a nap kinda frightens me because there is STILL so much undone.

Michael and I are getting along well right now, but I am still feeling like trying to put the house in order is all up to me. We've had the craziest of years, and we are stuffed to the gills with all this CRAP.

*My classroom supplies - ALL OF THEM
*His office from school - AGAIN, everything, including a hutch for a desk that doesn't fit OUR desk. HHHmmmm. (Why did he bring that home?!?)
*Equipment from the gym-a 50 lbs barbell I have no chance (or desire) to even attempt to move, along with a broken(?) swively stair stepper thing, plus about 100 more lbs in iron plates for the barbell. All are sitting in the front hallway
*His stuff for working from home-it now has taken over the desk and the dining table
*About 10 unpacked boxes/big black garbage bags
*2 fully packed suitcases with dirty laundry from his trips to wrestling camps over the summer
*All of the new stuff for Jensen
*All of Celine's stuff from her room at Grandpa's, cuz her cousin is now living there as she goes to Grad school
*A freestanding jewlery amoire and entryway table that are sitting in the living room where they were put together, instead of in the bedroom and entryway.

Okay, thanks for letting me vent. I actually feel a little better now, and seeing it in print helps me to break it down into sections that are a bit more manageable. I've broken out the giant post-it tablet people use at business meetings, and have started mapping out my route to a decluttered home. It may not get done before Jensen arrives, but at least his room and the living room should be done in the next day or two. Here's praying that he's not earlier than expected!

Big Boy??

2007-09-16T22:48:00.000-05:00

Went to see the OB on Friday. After months of expressing a concern that I was "all tummy," the doc took one look at me on Friday and said, "MMmmm, I think your baby might be big." Um, duh. He guesses about 8 lbs. And since he is only guessing, I have to call and arrange a sonogram at the hospital to get a more scientific...guess. At this point, it still doesn't change my hopes for how Jensen will be born, and I am still working with my self-hypnosis CD's and loading my ipod.

What else? Oh, yeah, it's also possible that "big" might actually translate to "ready to come out." The sonogram might establish a new due date-surprise!! He may be here at any time and still be considered "fully cooked." At home, we are putting things into overdrive and trying very hard to finish everything as quickly as possible.

Among those things needed to be finished are ordering the announcements and putting everyone's phone number into the automated calling service we're going to use. (Thanks to Jenny for being an example on that. I got a prerecorded birth message from her earlier this week and thought it was the coolest thing. Not having to make 20 phone calls from the hospital will be priceless!)

Still feeling a bit anxious about all of this, but I'm told that it's totally normal until after baby comes, so I won't stress about being stressed. Now, if only I could find away around having to pee 10 times every night....

More to do

2007-09-13T21:34:00.000-05:00

Sigh...there's always more to do. I just finished the rough draft of my birth plan for bringing Jensen into the world.

I haven't written about this a lot, partially because I realize that each child and each parent has their own experience, and the parent has to do what feels best for them at the time. Also, I understand that what you say you want might change dramatically once you get to the point in time where you are forced to make the real decision.

That being said, here is what I am aiming for in my experience: I don't want to be totally drugged up. While on one hand, it actually does sound kind of cool, the reality is that accepting one drug for a specific purpose can then lead to all kinds of other interventions. As an example, if I got an epidural for pain, it could possibly slow or stop my contractions, so the doctor would then recommend pitocin to get them to start back up, which then would require an IV for anti-nausea medication to combat the effects of pitocin, and then they would recommend that I have a fetal montior strapped to my belly, thus confining me to bed for the remainer of my labor. After that, the possibility that they'll want to do a C-section goes up by something like 25%! Personally, I hate needles and surgical knives, and want as few of them as possible.

Instead, I am planning on hanging out at home for as long as possible (no needles here!) and going through early labor with the help of my doula. Whether or not she meets me at the house or the hospital will depend on the factors of the day, including where Michael is when labor starts and how fast my contractions are coming. At home, I can also eat and drink what and when I want and move around freely.

Once it is decided by my doctor and doula when I should head to the hospital, I am going to decline the routine IV (it's easier to refuse drugs if there's no IV to put them in...) and play soft music and hopefully (really, really hoping...) I will be able to put myself into a state of self-hypnosis/deep relaxation (I am working on this at home with guided imagery tapes) if needed, my doula is also trained in guided imagery and may help me in this area. With luck, the baby will decide to come out without needing intervention, and we'll stay together until I've held and nursed him. Only after that will be whisked away for those newborn baby tests. As soon as those are finished, he should be returned to my room so we can all be together.

I still have to go tour the hospital facilities, but I've read online that their rooms are all private, and they anticipate the baby "rooming in." There is also supposed to be a pull out bed in each room so that Michael can be comfortable and not need to leave the room to be able to sleep.

I'm going tomorrow to discuss the plan with the doula and present the plan to our doctor. We'll see how he reacts...I'm guessing he'll be fine with it, as it makes a lot less work for him.

Besides that, the nursery is almost done, and we got the car seat and stroller the other day. Things are happening quickly now, and I'm starting to get a little nervous!

Suckas!!!!

2007-09-04T03:55:00.001-05:00

To all my lovely, lovely friends who are going back to school tomorrow (or are registering a whole new crop for after school...) I say:

Ha, ha, ha!!!!!!

Too bad for you!

Just kidding! I love you all very much and wish you the very best . I, probably like you, have been shopping most of today and up late organizing and packing supplies for tomorrow morning. Celine starts school, and man, does she need a ton of crap! I remember thinking about what I needed (for some reason, I don't remember having a pre-printed list from the school...) and being able to decide: Trapper Keeper or individual folders? mechanical pencils or regular? spirals or marble notebooks?

Here, it's all laid out for you, and the list is an entire page long. It's taking us a backpack, a Target bag and a Sterlite container just to get it all to school!! On the up side, I am actually really glad to simply be told what to get and not have to guess what her particular teacher might prefer.

YAY for school starting! (This also means that for the remaining time until Jensen gets here, I have the house to myself 5 days a week for 6 hours a day!!)

Have a great first day, everybody! (Or, you know, like, great second week for those of you in TX)

Rewind and try again

2007-08-31T21:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I had great intentions with my back-to-back-to-back appointments. However, all they stayed were intentions.

Instead, we enrolled Celine in school in College Point at a beautiful Christian academy and then went and got her uniform ordered. I managed to reschedule 2 of the appointments for tomorrow, so no huge loss. I expect I can make the 3rd one up as soon as the holiday weekend is over.

I think I have finally, finally started feeling the nesting instinct. There is a ton of stuff to do still, but instead of feeling overwhelmed, I actually want to start doing it. In that respect, all of my decluttering may not happen before Jensen arrives, but hopefully at least the main living area, kitchen and bedroom will be done. I guess we'll see. We've decided not to go anywhere for the weekend so we can all work on projects...

More appointments

2007-08-30T23:26:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is an appointment-filled day. First, I take Hunter (Michael's Dad's kitty) to the vet in the morning.

For myself, I have a second nutritionist appt, a doctor's appt and a time to meet my labor and delivery doula.

In addition, Michael's family is here (staying at his Dad's) from San Antonio, so we've been visiting and going out to dinner quite a bit. It's lots of fun, but I get tired so fast now...

Lastly, just venting, the little girl singing and clapping all the time is driving me nutso. It was quite a relief when her aunt and uncle finally got past the "it's all right, she's just creative" stage and noticed that it was non-stop and actually started asking her to be quiet so that we didn't have to talk over her. Perhaps, at some point, she'll want to actually talk too, instead of just singing, but so far, it hasn't happened yet.

Rollin', rollin', rollin'

2007-08-21T14:36:00.000-05:00

This kid will NOT stop rollin around! He is doin belly-flops in there, and making my tummy look all kinds of weird!

Today has been relatively productive, although I am struggling with major heartburn and a pretty good sized headache.

I emailed 2 doula agencies yesterday, and one of them promptly called me back this morning. On Friday, I'll meet one of the ladies in person, and if all seems well, we'll start discussing a contract. She'll come for 2 sessions before the birth to help me create a birth plan and talk about what to expect when the time comes.

We'll get another woman for post partum, who will come for 4 hours at a time for as many days as I'd like, although packages come in 4-day increments. She'll help in almost every way-depending on what I need and want, she'll help me learn to breastfeed, change diapers, recognize what's normal, as opposed to when I should worry or call the doctor, reduce my physical discomfort, give me a massage (!), do laundry, help with baby announcements, fix dinner, encourage Michael to be involved by explaining "new-mom/baby stuff" and telling him outright what he can be doing to make things easier and help with organizing the nursery. Wow-what more could you want? (I may want to keep her forever!!)

Tomorrow, I have more doctors appointments, one for a dermotogist to check out my strange skin rash that showed up on my arm (it's nearly gone, but I'm going to show her anyway, just in case it comes back.) And I have to go see a nutritionist for the the diabetic meal plan.

I am starting to get excited/anxious/nervous for the big day. I suppose I'd never feel really ready, but I still have SO much to do! So, on that note, I leave you to move onto another project!

Surprises

2007-08-17T20:44:00.000-05:00

Can one of the best days ever also be one of the worst?

Today was so special. It was our last day of vacation Bible school, and all 3 of us had a great time. All week I got to be in a skit every morning and lead the closing worship service in the afternoon. Michael ran the games, and Celine got to be a camper. As a special treat, all of the volunteers were invited to lunch afterward.

Only for me, it was an extra-extra special treat. Some of the wonderful ladies working the VBS turned the staff lunch into a surprise baby shower! I was totally and completely shocked, to the point where when everyone yelled, "Surprise!" I didn't even get what was going on. We got some really beautiful gifts. Everyone was so generous, especially considering that we really haven't been at the church for all that long.

After church we had a regular doctor's appointment. The good news is that the baby is doing just fine...completely on track and has a strong, healthy heartbeat. The bad news is that my 3 hour blood glucose test results came in and I'm defintely diabetic due to the pregnancy. So, I have to go to a nutritionist either Monday or Tuesday, and after that, start self-monitoring 5 to 6 times a day. I am also now at the stage where I have to go into the doctor for checkups once a week.

Straight after the OB, we headed to the 3D/4D sonogram appointment. On the way there, we stopped to get some pizza. The 3D session was really fun and we got a few interesting pictures. Since I'm kinda far along, Jensen was a little bunched up, but it is possible to see his face and he even gave us a smile. We think he's got Michael's nose, but definitely my mouth. Wanna see? Go to http://www.my3d4dbaby.com and click on "My Baby's World" and enter my name in the search box, all in lower case, last name (with the space) then first name. When my name appears under the search box, click there, and my album will come up.

After we got the pictures, we headed home. It had been a long day!
However, that's not exactly where it ends...that pizza I had earlier? Well, it came back up. In the brand-new Jeep. All over me. In my brand new tote bag. And ultimately, several cute gift bags (with the gifts taken out first by Celine) were also sacrificed. Blahh. Horrific. And we still had to finish driving the 20 minutes home before I could do anything about it. Michael was given the chance to be a trooper, and definitely was. He helped me get all of my now soaked stuff out of my bag and undress in the laundry room so I could wash my clothes and bag right away. He also went straight upstairs and made me a just-right bubble bath. I got into bed for a little while afterwards, but am feeling much better now. (However, I am really hoping that it was just bad pizza, as opposed to morning sickness returning, as I've read that it can...)

Anyway, I hope ya'll go take a look at the pics and have a great weekend! I'll be answering the phone again as soon as I disinfect it....

Like a bee

2007-08-12T23:15:00.000-05:00

Boy, are we busy!

Friday, I went for my 3 hour Blood Glucose Tolerance Test. The staff there was really good, and despite all of my doctor's insistence about being a "hard stick," both of the phlebotomists were able to get blood with just one stick per hour.

Saturday was meetings, meetings, meetings. First was a vacation Bible school meeting for our camp that starts tomorrow. Then, travel to Manhattan. Next, counseling in the morning, then a stop for lunch, then Celine's class from 2-3:30. Back to Queens, and shopping after that. Lots of walking, lots of talking.

It would have been nice to be able to sleep after that. Unfortunately my hip is continually feeling like it's being pulled out of joint, and that includes while I'm in bed. I woke up 4 or 5 times, trying desperately to be kinda sorta comfortable and not getting anywhere close. Finally, at around 2, I caved to the pain and went and took a Tylenol and a hot bath.

This morning contined the busy-ness. We went to church, followed up with our VBS director, had a quick lunch and went home and changed clothes, then met friends for a get-together.

Tomorrow starts VBS. Michael is leading games, and I am leading the closing gathering. Then, back to the house for chores and baby preparation. I am still feeling overwhelmed, but the things I've been doing the last 2 days are starting to show, and it is starting to inspire me to do more. The laundry UPstairs is almost done. Then I can move on to all the stuff that somehow got put downstairs in the living room. (I think that came from all of us attempting to unpack suitcases in the living room-I can't figure out why else 3 baskets of dirty laundry made their way into the room and stairwell...)

Oh, and I can't forget-thanks to Cat, who sent me the cutest hooded baby towel (ooh, turtles!) and a giftcard to Target (always appreciated!)

Finally, Janice, if you're reading this, I'll fax your rec papers tomorrow.

Too early

2007-08-06T05:02:00.000-05:00

Argh. Pregnancy side effects have kicked in again. I had pizza last night, and I am just a girl who can't have pizza without some soda. Nevermind that soda is one of the main culprits for heartburn these days. Between the burning and the big tummy, the hip feeling dislocated and anxiety of not feeling ready for all this, I am up for the day. At 6 am. Six-A-M.

I guess on the good side of this, you could say that I am starting to be proactive. I am looking into hiring a doula. I have some choices-I could hire one just for the birth, just postpartum, or both. I have been doing research, and it seems fairly evident that deliveries with doulas take less time and less drugs to get through. And that seems like the better option, as I've just read (why wasn't I cluing into this before?) that any drugs I get to help me through delivery are passed onto the baby and may result in lower Apgar score and take up to 2 days to be fully expelled from his system. Not that I'm saying I would refuse drugs if I felt I needed them, of course. Obviously, those drugs were created to fill a need, and every woman has to make the best choice for herself. However, from this side of labor, I'd like to at least try and do it without.

If a doula comes after the baby, I could get her to come for 3-4 hours a day (that's the minimum rate I've found-hey, they gotta make sure they've got enough hours to make their money, right?) and reserve anywhere from 2 weeks on up. In that case, she would do a lot of the things that traditionally my mom would have taught me, like showing me how to bathe the baby, answer questions about breastfeeding, change diapers, and such. The added benefit here, besides the obvious, is that she'd also be there for me. If she saw a need, and she'd do her best to fill it, which, especially in the early days with a new baby, could include doing some laundry, fixing dinner, or watching the baby so I could take care of myself for a bit. Michael and I are talking about it still, but the idea looks really promising to me, and I have money set aside from my grandpa, so we could afford it without it taking a toll on the soon-to-be single income.

I've also been making anxious "we need" lists. I don't think any of them are complete, so I have several versions floating around the house. My due date is still about 2 months away, but I am starting to be afraid that he might decide to make an appearance early and I won't be ready. It has been a really difficult road for me to go from Michael first moving in, to us moving to his Dad's for a while (and still visiting the cats in Astoria), to moving to College Point, to immediately having Celine with us every weekend, to her being with us ALL THE TIME, to now, finally, expecting Jensen on top of everything.

Of course, those who know me know that housekeeping was always a struggle. I grew up with Mom being a hoarder, who would literally cry if I tried to throw out anything, even old newspapers. She was fabulous in a lot of ways, but she was never able to show me how to keep things neat or organized, and I never really got the hang of it on my own. Now, instead of my own stuff, I also have to corral cat supplies, and things and laundry that are Michael's, Celine's, and yes, already, Jensen's. Sometimes I feel deflated and resentful that I don't get any help. On the other hand, I feel the pressing fear that my baby will grow up the same way I did, and I don't want that for him. Unfortunately, most of the time, I am kind of crippled, and complain inside my head that I wouldn't ever be able find a place for everything, anyway, and that the few successes I have are quickly lost because the others in my house don't value that I need at least one clean spot maintained before I can move on. It seems like the junk and dirty dishes and laundry (everywhere, laundry!) just multiply before my eyes.

So, onto a "new" plan. Here it is. Are you ready? It's revolutional-I'm going to try really, really, really hard to actually get off my butt, for at least 15 minutes a day, and "go to work." I have approximately 8 weeks before Jensen is scheduled (hahhaa-although I'm smart enough to know he can come basically whenever he damn well pleases) so I'm going to focus on a room a week, which should put me at being clean and organized at least a week before he arrives to practice keeping it all together. We'll see. Since it's still quite early, especially for me, I guess I'll start a load of laundry....

Ai, yi, yi

2007-08-04T22:09:00.000-05:00

It feels like Jensen is trying to come out of me through my belly button. I don't know how else to describe it! All day my tummy has been stretched to the max, and feels hard all over. (Usually there's a couple of hard spots and a few soft, squishy places and they change around through the course of the day.) Today has felt like I've been walking around with a bowling ball strapped to my front side. Argh.

For those of you who are interested in the timetable, I have 8 weeks and 5 days until my due date. Now, if only I could just lay around in bed and eat bon bons until then....

9

2007-07-30T23:13:00.000-05:00

weeks, 2 days and counting.

While there is still a lot to do, today was really productive.

Last week, I took Celine for an open call at the John Robert Powers school here in NYC. Out of approximately 75 kids, she was one of 9 asked to return for a callback. From there, she was invited to being training with them, which after a month or so will result in here being invited to about 4 auditions a month arranged throught the school in the hopes of booking paying work in the entertainment industry. Of course, like most training courses, this one also has its regulations, and one of those is a dress code. Most importantly, the children are not allowed to wear denim or sweats to class or auditions. While Celine has many, many clothes, almost everything fits into the two categories forbidden for class. Today we took a trip to Target and fixed that problem. The good news is that everything (2 tops, 6 bottoms) we bought today can mix and match both with each other and is acceptable for church. Yay!

We also got some household supplies, nothing big, but it has been very hard to focus on laundry lately because even after I would get things clean, there were no hangers. Another problem solved! Also picked up a couple of crib sheets and a "going home from the hospital " outfit for Jensen-figured I'd be a'needin' that...took a quick turn down the baby swings and car seat aisle, too, just to look with Michael. We'll probably pick those things up tomorrow, along with the crib mattress. I want to be ready, at least with the car seat and mattress, ASAP, since there's no way to tell when the leetle one might decide to make an appearance.

We also did a little shopping for....me! I have been visiting a particular jewelry armoire at Bombay company for several weeks now. My current jewelry box doesn't have enough of the right size compartments for most of my treasures. (I know, poor me, right?)So, today I went and placed the order and am looking forward to being able to accessorize to the utmost without have to look through one of 4 or 5 places where I might have placed a particular item.

We finished up our day with a relaxing stroll around Barnes and Noble. I had a blood test to measure my glucose (blood sugar) levels recently, and the results came back with me being "borderline diabetic," so my doctor wants me to get a 2nd, more conclusive test. This means fasting (even being pregnant) for 8 hours prior, and then having blood drawn every hour for 3 hours straight. I didn't think I could bear to go without some distraction, so I got the Golden Compass trilogy and a book detailing what should happen with the baby from the last weeks of pregnancy through the end of the first year. (It's a very thick book-even going day by day for the first few weeks). Between my books and my ipod, I think I'll be okay. I'm actually not that worried-although I've already started to alter my diet, just in case.

All things considered, I feel pretty good. It is definitely harder for me to move around now, as not only am I huuuuge, but the relaxin (a preggy hormone that helps the joints spread apart in preparation for birth) has been working really well and sometimes it feels like my hip is kind of pulled out of the socket. Still, I've been trying to walk a little each day, even if it's just up and down the stairs to get laundry, and I think it helps.

Okay, so this is turning into a very long post, so I think I will quit for now. Love to ya'll!

Finito

2007-07-24T00:25:00.000-05:00

Well, we DID go to a HPDH party, but we ended up deciding to go to one closer to home. I had been watching pictures appearing of the party of Union Square, and I started to feel claustrophobic about squeezing through all of those hundreds of people.

The party at Bayside, however, was not as fun-filled as I would have liked. There were a few people dressed up (Michael and I dropped that part of the evening also-we'll shoot for Halloween instead) but that was pretty much it. Oh well. I did go ahead and buy a replacement copy of OOP so I could get caught up, which I did as soon as we got home at about 9:30.

Then, I read OOP Friday night and waited most of the day Saturday for DH to arrive in the mail. Unfortunately, the postal service did not realize that procuring DH was a life-and-death sort of need and simply put a "Sorry we missed you" slip in my mailbox instead of coming to the door. Totally frustrated, I found the slip at around 5 pm and immediately went to Target. Of course, they had plenty of copies, so I got one along with some reading snacks.

As soon I got home, I dug into the book, along with all of the candy, chips, soda, and ice cream I'd bought. Twelve hours later I was FINISHED! It took me most of the night, since I started so late, and I went to bed around 6 in the morning and then Michael woke me up for church around 9. I am proud to say that I DID go to church and make it through the whole service and then to lunch, but then came home and crashed.

Overall, I thought the final installment was quite satisfying, although I did think there were a couple of places that dragged a bit (anyone up for pitching the tent again?) most of the "oh-my-god who lives, who dies" was simply hype (although I shed tears for Hedwig) and the epilogue still left some questions unanswered (what happened to Luna, and why were Teddy and Percy at the train, and who is was in charge at Hogwarts?) I think it was a fitting ending to a well-loved series. Long live Harry Potter!

Expectations

2007-07-19T22:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, so like everyone else, I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. To celebrate the release, Michael and I are planning to attend the book party at Barnes and Noble Union Square. Currently, the plan is for Michael to dress as Gilderoy Lockhart and I'm going as (don't call me Nymphadora) Tonks. It was the most logical way I could think of to "explain" my belly bump, as Tonks can shift her appearance at will. Who says she wouldn't want to throw Death Eaters off by looking as though she can barely waddle around? HA!

Another thing we have coming up next week is the Josh Groban concert! I am so excited about this, as I wanted to see Josh the last time he was in NYC, but missed it because it was sold out so quickly. Michael and I have made it into an official date night, so, it should be a really romantic evening.

Besides that, of course, an update on the "other" expectation. I have (technically) 11 weeks of pregnancy left to go. Naturally, I will not be at all surprised if Jensen shows up a couple weeks early or even a week late. Who really knows except him? The plan is to be ready several weeks early, just in case. The furniture arrived on Monday, almost all of the clothes are sorted by size and put away (with the new ones already being washed in fragrance and dye-free detergent) and the toys are in one bag. We still have a few things to pick up, like our car seat, the crib mattress, and a Boppy, but besides that, and a few other odds and ends, I think we're almost set. Michael is researching all the routes to the hospital, I am looking up ways to make labor quicker, and we're both going together this weekend to pick out those last known-about needed items.

Well, assuming that Jensen doesn't arrive 11 weeks early, I am going to be out late tomorrow and up most of Saturday night reading, so I'd best be off to bed. Happy reading, everyone!