Tunnel vision

Sigh...things are not going as well as I'd like here.

Michael found out shortly before school started that his school eliminated the position he'd been asked to cover as a long-term sub. So, now there's no longer a real discussion on whether we can afford for me to stay home with Jensen or just work part time. Now, we have to race to get some money coming in, and whomever finds a full time job first, goes to work.

The idea of being back in Texas is prominent now. Reconnecting with some old friends and seeing the lower cost of living tells me that staying here just isn't the best decision anymore. I know it will be some time before I'm able to make the move, but it's not an "if" anymore-it's a "when."And honestly, I don't know when, but I am hoping it will be within the next year or so. I know I have to finish my degree, my teaching certs, save some money and hopefully find a job located there before I move.

When I originally got on a plane to move here back in 2002, I had an entirely different set of needs and desires. It was the right place to go at the right time. I have thought more than once that it wasn't an accident that I was here when Momma died. I needed to have a focus and a job that would keep me going.

But life is a lot different now, and it's not a job that keeps me going, it's my little boy.

I have learned a lot from living in New York, most importantly how to be self sufficient in one of the toughest places to be so. It is a lesson that I am grateful for, because not everyone learns it. I've gotten to go to museums and Broadway shows, and I loved it. But those days are farther and fewer in between because, well, it's harder when you have a baby. And when I realized that not only am I having to work so hard to make it here, and not getting to truly take advantage of what makes the city so great, it finally dawned on me that I am at a point where I need to make a choice to stay or go. And I choose to go.

With the decision being made made, I feel totally secure that it is the best choice. In many ways, it feels like my heart has already left.

Jensen is everything to me, and I want him to have a house, with a yard, and a neighborhood where we can walk to a friend's house. Unfortunately, that dream is not just a difficulty here, it is impossible. With the amount that gets taken out here for income taxes for both city and state, and the outrageous cost of housing, regular people can't qualify for a house anymore.

The next months will be focused on preparing for a new life: the light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to a place that holds new possibilities for me, based on the many differences in my life now. I am doubly fortunate that the place I want to go not only has opportunities, but happy memories, too. Most of all, I am happy that there will be a time, not so so far in the future, that Jensen and I will be able to have an extended family nearby. Out of everything, being able to have face to face contact with those dearest to me is what matters most.