Thinking too much

Okay, before you read too much further, I am going to warn you that I am currently "rabbit hunting." When I was in college, Conner and I had a class with a man who continually chased his own thoughts around in circles....over the river and through the woods and on and on and on. I don't currently remember exactly how we decided to call it rabbit hunting, but now that's what's stuck in my brain for this process.

I am an avid hunter.

So, here is the situation I have blown completely out of proportion in my brain and am trying how to deal with even though most of it hasn't happened yet. (Did you catch all that? Make sure you're wearing your camo and hat with furry ear flaps for this trip...)

There is that coach at school, Michael. The Valentine's guy. We've been talking, and since we have several things in common (background in religious study, both being from Texas, teaching in Bushwick, being white and teaching in Bushwick...) we've built a friendly rapport and have a good time visiting during school. However, the last 2 times I have spoken with him, he has asked me where I see myself settling down. The first time this came up, it was in context of the particular conversation, but someone else walked in and the conversation was changed.

The second time, it was really kind of out of nowhere. I know he is anxious to go back to Texas, but despite my love for my friends, I have no desire to do so myself and I told him that. He appears the tiniest bit...thoughtful...about this response, as if he is unsure what to do with my answer.

On the way out of school, I check my mailbox, and in it is a little note (on a notecard) saying that the "more he talks to me, the more he likes me."

After talking with a good friend at school who knows both of us, she smiles and says, "Oh, yeah, he's trying to get with you."

Now, here's where I start to run in circles...Michael is older. I mean, he has to be old enough to be my dad. Of course, that by itself isn't really a problem. I have no one to be disapproving, so who cares? And I admit, the stability and maturity would be a more than welcome change from boyfriends in the past. (Michael has a few more years left until retirement --teachers here can retire at 52--and he appears to have financial savvy, having two houses on a teacher's salary.) But I just don't know how I feel about him that way. I can totally see myself going out with him-like I said, we get along really well, and he's so nice-I just don't know if that could equate to more. And I'm not really physically attracted to him. However, I have learned that the longer you are with someone who you like, the more attracted to them you become, so maybe that's not so much of a problem.

The last part of the conundrum is two parts: one, he hasn't said or done anything to make all this worrying and strategizing necessary. I just now have this stress of wanting to know what the best decision would be for the most likely situation that might come up, and two, before he asked me again about the "settling" issue, he had just offered his services as a personal trainer and I accepted. (He used to be a trainer in Manhattan, and actually prepared Moira Kelly for her role in The Cutting Edge.) So, if I freak out and reject the offer now, it will be completely obvious that something is up and he will probably ask me about it. (Besides, I do want to look like Moira Kelly...doesn't everybody?) But if I don't back out, it will give him more chances to go ahead and move forward, which will in turn lead to the "it's not you, it's me" conversation, which makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. Either option will probably end the fun and lighthearted nature of our relationship, and I'll have lost a friend at a place where I need all the congeniality I can get.

All of this thinking about it has started to make me a little sad, because it also made me realize that with all of the deception and covering up and chickening out from my last relationship, that I can't be sure within myself that that guy even really cared about me at all, and if that's the case (which is a separate hunting trip all its own..for that one I make sure I pack the tent and sleeping bag, 'cuz when I go there, I tend to camp out a while) it's been...what....7 years? since I had a boyfriend who really wanted me....just me. And that's what's making me nuts right now, that I don't feel like I can trust my own judgement in the romantic relationship area of life because I let this other guy screw with my head. It pisses me off that Terry is still affecting me, because he made it so clear that I didn't have any effect on him...it's not fair that he gets to move forward and be Ozzie-and-Harriet happy while I'm stuck becoming dizzy from the whirlwind of doubt in my head and my heart. Fuck him. Asshole.

Sigh. And now I have a whole week off to ponder my situation, or non-situation, whichever. (Those who know me are shaking their heads...)

Thanks for reading. Suggestions are appreciated. Even realistic ones.