Much happier

I talked to both my former college roommates tonight. I am such a lucky girl! It has been difficult trying to talk to each other with all of us on very different schedules.

I feel like whatever is going to happen or not happen with Michael is no longer stressful. But, that's basically my MO-I have to chase things around, get stressed over it, then let it go in order to deal with it effectively. Of course, this process isn't as quick for the big stuff...I still stress about my past with Terry and how that has changed the way I cope in relationships or with the possibility of a relationship, but every new encounter is easier.

It is wonderful to be happy. I recognize that being with him made me happier than more than normal a lot, but in the long run, I was also unhappier and more deeply unhappy than normal a lot.

After having to deal with so many complications, I think it will be easier to see the truth in my next relationship and be stronger if it comes to the crossroads where you decide that things have to be better or each go your separate ways. With Terry, we had decided that he would come up and try things with me (the "have to get better" choice) but then even after he retracted his decision, we still didn't separate. And there, I think, was the biggest mistake. If I had walked away from all of it after he chickened out, instead of waiting for another crossroads, we still could have ended things in a more mature way than what finally happened.

While I am not in love with him anymore, and I actually don't think about him all that much either, every now and then, I fell sorry for him that he made his choices without investigating the options and wonder if he's really happy.

I hope he is.

As for me, being in New York has sharpened my instincts when it comes to other people, and it's so much easier to tell when someone is bullshitting me. And now I have the courage, in most cases, to call them on it. That courage has made it a simpler thing to tell undesirable people to get the hell away from me and move on. (Once you've been groped on the subway, you never want it to happen again and any shyness you once had disappears.) In a world where in a simple walk around the block may result in 4 or 5 "hey, pretty girl, where' you goin" comments, being able to discern whether or not that guy who asks "which way is Broadway" is another neighborhood creep or a lost, handsome stranger is a worthy trait.

Here's to the possibilty of handsome strangers who are willing to investigate their options.