Tunnel vision

Sigh...things are not going as well as I'd like here.

Michael found out shortly before school started that his school eliminated the position he'd been asked to cover as a long-term sub. So, now there's no longer a real discussion on whether we can afford for me to stay home with Jensen or just work part time. Now, we have to race to get some money coming in, and whomever finds a full time job first, goes to work.

The idea of being back in Texas is prominent now. Reconnecting with some old friends and seeing the lower cost of living tells me that staying here just isn't the best decision anymore. I know it will be some time before I'm able to make the move, but it's not an "if" anymore-it's a "when."And honestly, I don't know when, but I am hoping it will be within the next year or so. I know I have to finish my degree, my teaching certs, save some money and hopefully find a job located there before I move.

When I originally got on a plane to move here back in 2002, I had an entirely different set of needs and desires. It was the right place to go at the right time. I have thought more than once that it wasn't an accident that I was here when Momma died. I needed to have a focus and a job that would keep me going.

But life is a lot different now, and it's not a job that keeps me going, it's my little boy.

I have learned a lot from living in New York, most importantly how to be self sufficient in one of the toughest places to be so. It is a lesson that I am grateful for, because not everyone learns it. I've gotten to go to museums and Broadway shows, and I loved it. But those days are farther and fewer in between because, well, it's harder when you have a baby. And when I realized that not only am I having to work so hard to make it here, and not getting to truly take advantage of what makes the city so great, it finally dawned on me that I am at a point where I need to make a choice to stay or go. And I choose to go.

With the decision being made made, I feel totally secure that it is the best choice. In many ways, it feels like my heart has already left.

Jensen is everything to me, and I want him to have a house, with a yard, and a neighborhood where we can walk to a friend's house. Unfortunately, that dream is not just a difficulty here, it is impossible. With the amount that gets taken out here for income taxes for both city and state, and the outrageous cost of housing, regular people can't qualify for a house anymore.

The next months will be focused on preparing for a new life: the light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to a place that holds new possibilities for me, based on the many differences in my life now. I am doubly fortunate that the place I want to go not only has opportunities, but happy memories, too. Most of all, I am happy that there will be a time, not so so far in the future, that Jensen and I will be able to have an extended family nearby. Out of everything, being able to have face to face contact with those dearest to me is what matters most.

More than a tweet

So, it has been a long time since a new post, but there hasn't been much more going on than you could read in a tweet, LOL! That hasn't changed, but I just felt more like writing without a character limit on my thoughts today.

We're gearing up for Jensen's second birthday. As a first time mom, I didn't know how much my baby would already NOT be a baby by his second birthday. He is beautiful, and it is still pointed out to me anywhere I take him. Most of the time I enjoy it, feel proud, and we move on. Strangely, at other times, it makes me anxious, because I wonder if he would be a target for some child abductor. Or if I allow myself to feel too good about him being so pretty, if I will be reprimanded by the universe and something bad will happen. I know, that sounds strange, but it's what's in my head. My solution is to try to allow myself to feel good about it, but make sure that with him, I focus on teaching him how to be the best person he can be. There's a possibility he might aways be judged first on how he looks, so I want to make sure that he's judged last on how he treats others.

He is showing more and more creativity, having his first experience with Play Doh yesterday. He is still figuring out what he'd like to do with it, mainly pulling it into little pieces because he's amazed it can come apart like that. He also feed it to his pet plastic giraffe, making little "nom" noises as the giraffe had a taste of red, a taste of blue....yum.

We've also been drawing a lot. He likes to color on his own, but even more, he likes to put the color in my hand and move my hand to draw. He'll even bring me paper and crayons so I'll color for him and he can watch.

He is really turning into a little boy now, rather than a baby. He definitely has his own opinions, and since he's nearly 2, most of his opinions are, "Mine!" and "Faster!" and "No!" But really, except for some totally random meltdowns here and there, he's such a good boy and we get along great.

As for me, I am still trying to get back into college. The Dean of Grad Studies has to approve my request to register, and that postition was changing employees when I contacted them and it seems my paperwork was lost in cyberland or never got to who needed to see it. So, I am trying again, this time to register in the Spring. If that works, I'll be finished by summer. We'll see.

I also am hoping to make my teaching video next week and put it aside so I can apply for Professional Certification as soon as my Master's is finished. Then I will have the ability to make an actual decision as to whether I'd like to continue to teach and if I do, where I would like to go.

I've been subbing at SRB for this week, and go again for the first few days of next week, but after that, I'll be needed a new job. Not sure why, but they don't plan on retaining subs for day-to-day work and so I won't be called unless there's an extended period of time when someone's out. I am already looking at job boards, and there actually is a lot of stuff that I'm qualified for. I just have to get going and start submitting letters and resumes and see what happens.

I guess that's about it....it's a gray, rainy day here, and the boys are out taking Grandpa's doggie to the vet, and I'm here my myself. There are tons of things I probably could be doing, but the weather is making me feel like getting the first cup of tea for the fall and snuggling up with a good movie or nice read before the guys come home.