Hoping for Snow

Ahh, it's the end of a glorious week off from work.

I had a good time, watching movies, snuggling with the girls, going to visit family, having "Christmas in February" and sleeping whenever I felt like it.

Tomorrow starts another stint in the classroom, counting down until Spring Break (the last week in April).

However, there is a possible unexpected interruption in the ticker....there's a storm a'brewin that may dump up to a foot of snow on us tomorrow. According to the weatherman, the spectacle begins around mid-afternoon and will last until nearly midnight. What does that mean to me? For Tuesday, maybe, possibly, a

SNOW DAY!!

We'll see....

In other news, congratulations to Amy, who is adopting two ginger-colored kitty cuties who will soon be leaving paw prints over all aspects of her life!

TTFN

Just finished packing and am basically on my way out the door to catch a train. (I looove trains. It's a form of travel you just don't get to experience in other parts of the country,)

Anyway, I've tried on the dress again and am more than pleasantly surprised that it looks better here than it did at the store. I also found one of my grandmother's necklace and earring sets to go with it that couldn't be better if they'd been bought especially for this dress.

Again, will try to have photos when I get back...coz's birthday dinner is at Foster's, which is a place that my parents used to go to when I was little and we used to live in Red Hook, so this will be a very special little trip for me. (Okay, so their web site http://www.fosterscoachhouse.com/ isn't all that impressive, but the history of the place is....Rhinebeck, where I was born--at the hospital where my mother worked, of all places---is historical country. It's one of the towns that the heads of the American Revolution hung out while planning their next move, so you can actually go, still, to a bed and breakfast where George Washington stayed and have lunch in the room where he met with the future leaders of our country. I think that's pretty cool....)

See ya'll in a couple of days!

Over the river and thru the woods....

Just kidding, unless the river is the river between Manhattan and Queens, and the woods is the countryside along the Metro-North tracks.

I'm going to be working on a term paper today and probably into tomorrow, at which point I have a dentist's appointment and then a class with mean professor. First thing Thursday morning, I am on my way to see the fam, for the first time since Thanksgiving. For once, everyone is completely well, and it seems safe enough to suspect it will stay that way for the next few days.

While I'm there, we'll be celebrating my cousin Dawn's 40th birthday...first with the kids, then without. I am looking forward to getting to wear a great dress I bought last week that complements my tattoo, and shows it off a bit. I'll try to make sure I take some pictures.

Besides that, I have decided to go on an excursion to the Parson's school of design. There is show there that sounds pretty interesting, and I have been so busy that I haven't done as much of the fun, artsy stuff as I've wanted. This seems like a good place to start...

www.parsons.edu/illustration

So, back to writing my paper and saving the trash from the crazy cat. (Why does she like plastic??)

Much happier

I talked to both my former college roommates tonight. I am such a lucky girl! It has been difficult trying to talk to each other with all of us on very different schedules.

I feel like whatever is going to happen or not happen with Michael is no longer stressful. But, that's basically my MO-I have to chase things around, get stressed over it, then let it go in order to deal with it effectively. Of course, this process isn't as quick for the big stuff...I still stress about my past with Terry and how that has changed the way I cope in relationships or with the possibility of a relationship, but every new encounter is easier.

It is wonderful to be happy. I recognize that being with him made me happier than more than normal a lot, but in the long run, I was also unhappier and more deeply unhappy than normal a lot.

After having to deal with so many complications, I think it will be easier to see the truth in my next relationship and be stronger if it comes to the crossroads where you decide that things have to be better or each go your separate ways. With Terry, we had decided that he would come up and try things with me (the "have to get better" choice) but then even after he retracted his decision, we still didn't separate. And there, I think, was the biggest mistake. If I had walked away from all of it after he chickened out, instead of waiting for another crossroads, we still could have ended things in a more mature way than what finally happened.

While I am not in love with him anymore, and I actually don't think about him all that much either, every now and then, I fell sorry for him that he made his choices without investigating the options and wonder if he's really happy.

I hope he is.

As for me, being in New York has sharpened my instincts when it comes to other people, and it's so much easier to tell when someone is bullshitting me. And now I have the courage, in most cases, to call them on it. That courage has made it a simpler thing to tell undesirable people to get the hell away from me and move on. (Once you've been groped on the subway, you never want it to happen again and any shyness you once had disappears.) In a world where in a simple walk around the block may result in 4 or 5 "hey, pretty girl, where' you goin" comments, being able to discern whether or not that guy who asks "which way is Broadway" is another neighborhood creep or a lost, handsome stranger is a worthy trait.

Here's to the possibilty of handsome strangers who are willing to investigate their options.

Thinking too much

Okay, before you read too much further, I am going to warn you that I am currently "rabbit hunting." When I was in college, Conner and I had a class with a man who continually chased his own thoughts around in circles....over the river and through the woods and on and on and on. I don't currently remember exactly how we decided to call it rabbit hunting, but now that's what's stuck in my brain for this process.

I am an avid hunter.

So, here is the situation I have blown completely out of proportion in my brain and am trying how to deal with even though most of it hasn't happened yet. (Did you catch all that? Make sure you're wearing your camo and hat with furry ear flaps for this trip...)

There is that coach at school, Michael. The Valentine's guy. We've been talking, and since we have several things in common (background in religious study, both being from Texas, teaching in Bushwick, being white and teaching in Bushwick...) we've built a friendly rapport and have a good time visiting during school. However, the last 2 times I have spoken with him, he has asked me where I see myself settling down. The first time this came up, it was in context of the particular conversation, but someone else walked in and the conversation was changed.

The second time, it was really kind of out of nowhere. I know he is anxious to go back to Texas, but despite my love for my friends, I have no desire to do so myself and I told him that. He appears the tiniest bit...thoughtful...about this response, as if he is unsure what to do with my answer.

On the way out of school, I check my mailbox, and in it is a little note (on a notecard) saying that the "more he talks to me, the more he likes me."

After talking with a good friend at school who knows both of us, she smiles and says, "Oh, yeah, he's trying to get with you."

Now, here's where I start to run in circles...Michael is older. I mean, he has to be old enough to be my dad. Of course, that by itself isn't really a problem. I have no one to be disapproving, so who cares? And I admit, the stability and maturity would be a more than welcome change from boyfriends in the past. (Michael has a few more years left until retirement --teachers here can retire at 52--and he appears to have financial savvy, having two houses on a teacher's salary.) But I just don't know how I feel about him that way. I can totally see myself going out with him-like I said, we get along really well, and he's so nice-I just don't know if that could equate to more. And I'm not really physically attracted to him. However, I have learned that the longer you are with someone who you like, the more attracted to them you become, so maybe that's not so much of a problem.

The last part of the conundrum is two parts: one, he hasn't said or done anything to make all this worrying and strategizing necessary. I just now have this stress of wanting to know what the best decision would be for the most likely situation that might come up, and two, before he asked me again about the "settling" issue, he had just offered his services as a personal trainer and I accepted. (He used to be a trainer in Manhattan, and actually prepared Moira Kelly for her role in The Cutting Edge.) So, if I freak out and reject the offer now, it will be completely obvious that something is up and he will probably ask me about it. (Besides, I do want to look like Moira Kelly...doesn't everybody?) But if I don't back out, it will give him more chances to go ahead and move forward, which will in turn lead to the "it's not you, it's me" conversation, which makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. Either option will probably end the fun and lighthearted nature of our relationship, and I'll have lost a friend at a place where I need all the congeniality I can get.

All of this thinking about it has started to make me a little sad, because it also made me realize that with all of the deception and covering up and chickening out from my last relationship, that I can't be sure within myself that that guy even really cared about me at all, and if that's the case (which is a separate hunting trip all its own..for that one I make sure I pack the tent and sleeping bag, 'cuz when I go there, I tend to camp out a while) it's been...what....7 years? since I had a boyfriend who really wanted me....just me. And that's what's making me nuts right now, that I don't feel like I can trust my own judgement in the romantic relationship area of life because I let this other guy screw with my head. It pisses me off that Terry is still affecting me, because he made it so clear that I didn't have any effect on him...it's not fair that he gets to move forward and be Ozzie-and-Harriet happy while I'm stuck becoming dizzy from the whirlwind of doubt in my head and my heart. Fuck him. Asshole.

Sigh. And now I have a whole week off to ponder my situation, or non-situation, whichever. (Those who know me are shaking their heads...)

Thanks for reading. Suggestions are appreciated. Even realistic ones.

Blustery Valentine's Day

It is cold, windy and rainy in New York today. And there are two ways you can deal with it. One-be grumpy and irritated, or two-laugh when your umbrella gets turned inside out and realize that yes, you're gonna get wet, so you might as well put on a happy face.

So, after having a happy face on all day, I'm going to put on a different kind of happy face and unstick myself from my wet clothes and go take a hot shower and be very grateful that I don't have to deal with all that saccherine Valentine's Day crap.

I did get a Valentine today, though. It was in my mailbox at school. Totally funny, 'cuz when I opened it, it read, "Love, Michael." I had no idea who the hell Michael was!! This is school...here, names don't exist without a Mr. or Ms. in front of them! With the help of a friend, we deducted that it was either Mr. Gadomski, who all the kids think has a crush on me (he's the only white, male anywhere near my age in the building, and he happens to have the room next door) or Mr. Cigala, the gym coach who, ahem, helps me out with by being tough with some of the boys who are tough with me.

It was finally decided that it was Cigala, because the card was addressed to Laura, and no one here calls me that. Except Cigala. After hearing the oh-too-many-Lauras-at-Teaching-Fellows story, he declared that I didn't look like a "Lily" to him, and he just couldn't call me that. So interesting, because I think a lot of that depends on how you're introduced to someone. I've actually had several people remark offhand how much they think "my" name fits me. So, I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder.

In other things to be thankful for, my aunt and two young cousins are safe after a scary experience. They were shopping and getting haircuts at the Hudson Valley Mall when a crazy man opened fire on the crowds there
http://www.showmenews.com/2005/Feb/20050214News007.asp Luckily, a woman who was a mall employee ushered them into a storage closet where they waited with about 5 others until the shooting stopped and they were evacuated from the building. Thank God for miracles. I know I couldn't have dealt with another death this year. I talked to my aunt tonight for almost an hour. While she is understandably shaken, she is also thankful that she and the boys were unharmed and sympathetic to the young man who has so obviously put out a cry for help. I am especially looking forward to seeing her and the rest of my family next week while I'm off from school.

Tell your families you love them-make them your Valentines this year!

5 days

Until a week off! I am so excited to have some time to relax.

I am still coughing a little from my cold that started before my birthday almost a month ago, so I am hoping that not having to raise my voice at anyone except the cats will help finish that healing process.

If things go well and I feel there is no chance of being contagious, I am finally going to visit my family upstate and try to make up for Christmas. (My grandma has congestive heart failure, my great-aunt is currently on chemo, and my cousin is on immune-suppressing medications for her illness and also has 3 children, so I refuse to visit if it's possible I might spread something to them. While that's a great precaution, it also makes it difficult to find a window when I'm certain I'm well enough to see them.)

Besides that, I have decided that the best way to deal with the prof from hell is to overachieve on everything he's assigned. So, I am working hard at finishing all my reading, both for his class and my Lit class.

Finally, Holly's wedding is getting closer every day, and I'm excited to be able to see her and Rebekah in April for the shower, and then visit Rocio in Florida for Spring Break.

As a last "things-to-do" entry, I am trying to evaluate the assets I will be accumulating soon, not only from my mom's estate, but also from the auto-deductions that the city takes for my retirement. In the event of anything happening to me, I want to make sure that the city/state doesn't end up with what little I have. So, while I still have to set up trust funds for Shelby and Josh, I am happy to announce that the girls, Lena and Sydney, will be happily taken care of by there godmother, Amy, in Texas. You know, just in case.

This summer, I am hoping that the Leander property will be sold, and I can finish up the whole process and start making my own arrangements. (I'm not being morbid, I promise! It's just that I went to a retirement fund seminar at the Teacher's Union, and they told us that if it's not clearly spelled out who is to get your funds, then the city will take them! I don't want that!) I want to make sure that the girls are taken care of and that if I have any money available, that Shelby and Josh will be able to use it for education. Lastly, I want to start trying to find my own place in the city. I am looking forward to having my very own apartment in the city, but don't want to get too hyped up until I have some money in my hands.

Oops, gotta go...it looks like Syd is developing a taste for Chinese food!

Nothing Much

Hello, all!

There's not a lot of new information to impart, but I thought I'd post anyway to let everyone know I'm still around.

I started university classes last week. I had thought I signed up for Victorian Lit for my upper-level English class, so imagine my suprise to find out that it was actually "American Nightmare: Violence and Gore as American Entertainment." Well, I sat and listened to the prof go through the syllabus and ultimately decided that maybe it would be a good thing to step out of my comfort zone and read some things I never would have chosen for myself. I'll let you know how it ends up.

The other class is "Curriculum and Standards Based Assessment for Secondary English" and while it sounds like a really worthwhile course, it's with a prof I've already had and he seems to hate Fellows. To prove this further, he revamped his syllabus for this class and added in a LOT of bullshit busy work ("we will share our feelings in class in journaling exercises, which you will then be expected to go home, edit, and type up before handing in") and two huge papers which then will have to be presented in class. If you look at the schedule, he's convienently arranged things so that there are 6 weeks out of the sememester where he will be sitting on his ass listening to us present, rather than him actually teaching. As a final straw, he chose 5 entirely new books for the course, totally over $150. He's such a jerk, I just can't get over it! He actually said that he won't accept any late work or absences without a doctor's note, so we're going to be stuck listening to him ramble about himself for 3 hours every week!! He also scheduled class on the week that the public school have Mid-Winter break, and purposely made one of the papers due that day, so forget that vacation! This semester with him is going to suck!

Okay, I'm done ranting about that for now. The girls are doing well. I'm so happy to be home with them over the weekend! With having night class, I've been getting home really late and not able to spend as much kitty quality time as I'd like.

At school, I volunteered to help design the school yearbook. Out of the 6 or 7 people who signed on for the task, only 2 of us actually showed when the company rep showed yesterday afternoon. At first I was just a tiny bit irritated, then I realized that with just me and this one other teacher, we'll have total control and not have to engage in long conversations about what anyone else (save the principal) sees as the "vision" of the book. Throw in that I just found out that we get paid "per-session" (about $35/hour) for every hour spent on this project, and it comes out to a pretty sweet deal!

Only 10 more school days until Break!