Too early

Argh. Pregnancy side effects have kicked in again. I had pizza last night, and I am just a girl who can't have pizza without some soda. Nevermind that soda is one of the main culprits for heartburn these days. Between the burning and the big tummy, the hip feeling dislocated and anxiety of not feeling ready for all this, I am up for the day. At 6 am. Six-A-M.

I guess on the good side of this, you could say that I am starting to be proactive. I am looking into hiring a doula. I have some choices-I could hire one just for the birth, just postpartum, or both. I have been doing research, and it seems fairly evident that deliveries with doulas take less time and less drugs to get through. And that seems like the better option, as I've just read (why wasn't I cluing into this before?) that any drugs I get to help me through delivery are passed onto the baby and may result in lower Apgar score and take up to 2 days to be fully expelled from his system. Not that I'm saying I would refuse drugs if I felt I needed them, of course. Obviously, those drugs were created to fill a need, and every woman has to make the best choice for herself. However, from this side of labor, I'd like to at least try and do it without.

If a doula comes after the baby, I could get her to come for 3-4 hours a day (that's the minimum rate I've found-hey, they gotta make sure they've got enough hours to make their money, right?) and reserve anywhere from 2 weeks on up. In that case, she would do a lot of the things that traditionally my mom would have taught me, like showing me how to bathe the baby, answer questions about breastfeeding, change diapers, and such. The added benefit here, besides the obvious, is that she'd also be there for me. If she saw a need, and she'd do her best to fill it, which, especially in the early days with a new baby, could include doing some laundry, fixing dinner, or watching the baby so I could take care of myself for a bit. Michael and I are talking about it still, but the idea looks really promising to me, and I have money set aside from my grandpa, so we could afford it without it taking a toll on the soon-to-be single income.

I've also been making anxious "we need" lists. I don't think any of them are complete, so I have several versions floating around the house. My due date is still about 2 months away, but I am starting to be afraid that he might decide to make an appearance early and I won't be ready. It has been a really difficult road for me to go from Michael first moving in, to us moving to his Dad's for a while (and still visiting the cats in Astoria), to moving to College Point, to immediately having Celine with us every weekend, to her being with us ALL THE TIME, to now, finally, expecting Jensen on top of everything.

Of course, those who know me know that housekeeping was always a struggle. I grew up with Mom being a hoarder, who would literally cry if I tried to throw out anything, even old newspapers. She was fabulous in a lot of ways, but she was never able to show me how to keep things neat or organized, and I never really got the hang of it on my own. Now, instead of my own stuff, I also have to corral cat supplies, and things and laundry that are Michael's, Celine's, and yes, already, Jensen's. Sometimes I feel deflated and resentful that I don't get any help. On the other hand, I feel the pressing fear that my baby will grow up the same way I did, and I don't want that for him. Unfortunately, most of the time, I am kind of crippled, and complain inside my head that I wouldn't ever be able find a place for everything, anyway, and that the few successes I have are quickly lost because the others in my house don't value that I need at least one clean spot maintained before I can move on. It seems like the junk and dirty dishes and laundry (everywhere, laundry!) just multiply before my eyes.

So, onto a "new" plan. Here it is. Are you ready? It's revolutional-I'm going to try really, really, really hard to actually get off my butt, for at least 15 minutes a day, and "go to work." I have approximately 8 weeks before Jensen is scheduled (hahhaa-although I'm smart enough to know he can come basically whenever he damn well pleases) so I'm going to focus on a room a week, which should put me at being clean and organized at least a week before he arrives to practice keeping it all together. We'll see. Since it's still quite early, especially for me, I guess I'll start a load of laundry....